And now the secret is out. This column is reproduced under the Fair Dealing provision of the Copyright Act.
Dwight Duncan, Sun secret agent 3
By Lorrie Goldstein ,Toronto Sun
First posted: Saturday, July 23, 2011 12:51:45 EDT PM | Updated: Saturday, July 23, 2011 12:58:05 EDT PM
TORONTO - Granted, you know him only as Dwight Duncan, Ontario’s always calm, affable and intelligent Liberal finance minister.
But here at Sun Media Mission Control (aka rightwingbatcrazy.ca) we know his real identity.
And now, the truth can finally be told.
Dwight Duncan, aka Agent X, is in fact the most successful right-wing double agent we have ever planted inside the Ontario Liberal Party.
Yes, he’s our Pillsbury Go-To Boy.
And last Wednesday he launched the most diabolical attack on the Ontario Liberals from within ever conceived by one of our operatives.
What to all outward appearances looked like just another petulant meltdown by a frustrated Liberal politician, blaming the “right-wing media” for lying about the Liberals’ economic record as his party heads towards an inevitable reckoning with voters on Oct. 6, was in fact a brilliant double cross of the Liberals, orchestrated by Duncan himself.
Just think about it logically.
If you’re a Liberal, what’s the last thing you want voters thinking about as this fall’s election approaches, when it comes to Premier Dalton “I won’t raise your taxes” McGuinty?
That’s right — you don’t want them thinking about people who are “completely dishonest” or “intellectually dishonest” or “factually dishonest” or who have practised “intellectual dishonesty”.
And you sure as hell don’t want them thinking about people “who don’t tell the truth,” all terms Duncan ostensibly used to describe “right-wing” media outlets like the Toronto Sun and National Post, while his real intent was to subconsciously remind voters of McGuinty’s “fiberal” record.
Admittedly, Duncan almost went too far when he described the National Post as right wing, since the Post hasn’t really been conservative ever since Conrad Black left, although it is nice they still allow him to run their Florida state prison bureau.
But I digress.
We always knew Duncan was in for great things going back to his early years at our secret, super-duper, right-wing training facility buried 10-storeys beneath Mike Harris’ golf course in North Bay, aka the Conservabunker.
There, Duncan became our only Liberal double agent ever to actually find Stephen Harper’s hidden agenda, strategically located at the end of a 100-km maze guarded by two giant Tory dinosaurs, fed on a steady diet of welfare recipients, phony refugee claimants and single mothers.
Being the good soldier that he is, Duncan promptly ate Harper’s hidden agenda after cleverly putting the Tory dinosaurs to sleep by reading them one of his budget speeches.
Paul Martin, Stephane Dion, Michael Ignatieff and now Bob Rae have been searching for it ever since and, as you may have noticed, failing to find Harper’s hidden agenda eventually causes all Liberal leaders to start talking gibberish, just before they self-destruct.
And we owe it all to Duncan.
Finally, here at Sun Media Mission Control, we know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, why, if Duncan has been such a great double agent for us all these years, are we blowing his cover now, less than three months before the next Ontario election?
Sadly, this decision proved to be necessary to divert attention away from the activities of one of our other super-secret, right-wing double agents, who has managed to advance even further up the Ontario Liberal party hierarchy than Duncan.
Of course, if we told you who he is, we’d have to kill you.
All we can say is his cover story is he was born in 1955, grew up in a large family, attended a faith-based school while later attacking such schools as segregationist in the 2007 Ontario election, that he resides in Ottawa and that his initials are “DM.”
At least that’s what you’ve been led to believe up to now.
Actually, we cloned him as our Centennial Project in 1967 by combining DNA collected from Pierre Trudeau’s hairbrush with a wind turbine.
His code name is, “the tax man.”
Shhh! Mum’s the word.
Dwight Duncan, Sun secret agent 3
By Lorrie Goldstein ,Toronto Sun
First posted: Saturday, July 23, 2011 12:51:45 EDT PM | Updated: Saturday, July 23, 2011 12:58:05 EDT PM
TORONTO - Granted, you know him only as Dwight Duncan, Ontario’s always calm, affable and intelligent Liberal finance minister.
But here at Sun Media Mission Control (aka rightwingbatcrazy.ca) we know his real identity.
And now, the truth can finally be told.
Dwight Duncan, aka Agent X, is in fact the most successful right-wing double agent we have ever planted inside the Ontario Liberal Party.
Yes, he’s our Pillsbury Go-To Boy.
And last Wednesday he launched the most diabolical attack on the Ontario Liberals from within ever conceived by one of our operatives.
What to all outward appearances looked like just another petulant meltdown by a frustrated Liberal politician, blaming the “right-wing media” for lying about the Liberals’ economic record as his party heads towards an inevitable reckoning with voters on Oct. 6, was in fact a brilliant double cross of the Liberals, orchestrated by Duncan himself.
Just think about it logically.
If you’re a Liberal, what’s the last thing you want voters thinking about as this fall’s election approaches, when it comes to Premier Dalton “I won’t raise your taxes” McGuinty?
That’s right — you don’t want them thinking about people who are “completely dishonest” or “intellectually dishonest” or “factually dishonest” or who have practised “intellectual dishonesty”.
And you sure as hell don’t want them thinking about people “who don’t tell the truth,” all terms Duncan ostensibly used to describe “right-wing” media outlets like the Toronto Sun and National Post, while his real intent was to subconsciously remind voters of McGuinty’s “fiberal” record.
Admittedly, Duncan almost went too far when he described the National Post as right wing, since the Post hasn’t really been conservative ever since Conrad Black left, although it is nice they still allow him to run their Florida state prison bureau.
But I digress.
We always knew Duncan was in for great things going back to his early years at our secret, super-duper, right-wing training facility buried 10-storeys beneath Mike Harris’ golf course in North Bay, aka the Conservabunker.
There, Duncan became our only Liberal double agent ever to actually find Stephen Harper’s hidden agenda, strategically located at the end of a 100-km maze guarded by two giant Tory dinosaurs, fed on a steady diet of welfare recipients, phony refugee claimants and single mothers.
Being the good soldier that he is, Duncan promptly ate Harper’s hidden agenda after cleverly putting the Tory dinosaurs to sleep by reading them one of his budget speeches.
Paul Martin, Stephane Dion, Michael Ignatieff and now Bob Rae have been searching for it ever since and, as you may have noticed, failing to find Harper’s hidden agenda eventually causes all Liberal leaders to start talking gibberish, just before they self-destruct.
And we owe it all to Duncan.
Finally, here at Sun Media Mission Control, we know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, why, if Duncan has been such a great double agent for us all these years, are we blowing his cover now, less than three months before the next Ontario election?
Sadly, this decision proved to be necessary to divert attention away from the activities of one of our other super-secret, right-wing double agents, who has managed to advance even further up the Ontario Liberal party hierarchy than Duncan.
Of course, if we told you who he is, we’d have to kill you.
All we can say is his cover story is he was born in 1955, grew up in a large family, attended a faith-based school while later attacking such schools as segregationist in the 2007 Ontario election, that he resides in Ottawa and that his initials are “DM.”
At least that’s what you’ve been led to believe up to now.
Actually, we cloned him as our Centennial Project in 1967 by combining DNA collected from Pierre Trudeau’s hairbrush with a wind turbine.
His code name is, “the tax man.”
Shhh! Mum’s the word.
