So there I was.......

[Shec]

required that most audacious, bold, and risky military operation, the night airborne amphibious direct frontal assault against a well fortified position.  To train for the attack  the Operations Officer, Capt.  Doofus, drafted a training syllabus that revolved around an all ranks viewng of the films Delta Force, Navy Seals, and McHale's Navy Joins The Airforce.    The essence of the plan consisted of a poutine tanker breaking down in front of the ARRRGH to attract the pirates' attention.  With the pirates swarming all over the tanker the assault force would rappel down from the roof and rush the undefended entrance to the bar.  However...

 

[kkwd]

... the pirates had advance warning of the clever plan due to a spy in the ranks of the Milice. It was Sgt Greasemypalmski. He continued a fine family tradition of snitching and selling out to the enemy going back to ancient times. One of his ancestors even sold his soul for a Lipton cup of soup packet and a woolly hat. The major found out about the betrayal and had the offender lashed to a toboggan and dragged before the troops where he was pelted with ham omelets and moldy raisins. They then put him in a powder blue polyester disco suit from the major's personal collection and sent him over to ...

 

[Shec]

Camp Y, the Milice detention facility where the Intelligence Officer, Capt. Pinhead, interrogated him to determine exactly how much and what he had divulged.  the legally questionable and very controversial technique of poutine deprivation was used to extract information.  This attracted the attention of the civil rights community who, led by Artery Cloggers International, determined that this was a cruel and unusual punishment and a blatant violation of human rights...

 

[kkwd]

... but when the huge donation of cash and used clothing wasn't given to them they decided not to take the case. Poor old Greasemypalmski then was drummed out of the unit in the special ceremony reserved for the lowest of the low. They took him up to Mount Kee-rist-its-cold and stripped him down to his issue ninja turtles underwear. They danced around him in ever decreasing circles until they reached him. Then they pulled out their genuine imitation Rambo knives and waved them around. Big mistake. It resulted in the loss of many fingers, one arm and a bag of ripple chips. Seeing his chance Greasemypalmski grabbed the loose arm and used it as a sled and rode down the side of the mountain. During the ride down he came up with a clever plan, he was going to create his own unit. But it all came to a tragic end when he wasn't paying attention and slammed into a cow grazing. There were guts everywhere but only Greasemypalmski, the cow was unharmed. The authorities came by to pick up the pieces but didn't get everything, they left a foot buried in a cow flop. A school janitor with a side hobby of cloning came by and discovered the foot and was elated. He took it back to his lab in the basement of the school. He toiled hard on the task at hand. About 20 minutes later he had a half size clone of Greasemypalmski. But he couldn't understand why the clone was mooing and wanting to be milked. Then the clone broke loose from the lab and ran amok in the town. He was caught by a family on the edge of town that needed the milk so they penned him up and got to work. Meanwhile, back on the top of Mount Kee-rist-its-cold ...

 

[Shec]

the Milice established a mountain warfare school to prepare for it's next offensive, the invasion of Estevan Saskatchewan.  But, back in the Regimental Map Room the Intelligence Sgt., Sgt. WTF Isthis, discovered that there wasn't a mountain within 500 miles of the place. However, so feared was the major by his troops that, as brave as the Sgt. was , he could not muster the courage to point this out.  So off to Mountain Equipment Co-op went the QM, Capt. Max Edoutvisa, to procure the necessary kit for alpine operations anyway.  When he got to the cash...

 

[Lil_T]

...none of his cards were accepted, so he had to resort to paying with loose change.  Falling short he did the only thing he could think to do...

 

[kkwd]

.... he gathered up the almighty and sacred collection of empty Labatt 50 bottles. He took them to the store to cash them in but got kicked out because they were stubbies. He then got a brilliant idea, he searched the streets for cigarette butts. He got enough tobacco to assemble several cartons of smokes and sold them to kids over by the school. Having the funds now he headed to the store to pick out the necessary equipment. Not having a clue, being a Milice officer and all, he wasted all the cash on used handwarmers and water purification tablets, having thought the latter were emergency rations. Next time, says the major, we will send someone who can read. So under equipped and untrained and totally confused, like usual, they headed to the LOD ("Location Of Dem" in the Milice handbook) but ran into a traveling carnival and got totally distracted by the shiny lights and whizzing rides. While the major was on the spinning tea cup he hatched a clever plan ....

 

[Shec]

and that was to comp. all midway patrons with a free ride on the El Puko.  At the ride's mid-point Milice troops would gather up all the loose change that had fallen from the upside down riders' pockets and with the proceeds replenish the Regimental Fund...

 

[kkwd]

... which was a fund in name only as it went directly into the major's vacation home in Bermuda. The only problem he had was getting there. He ruined 3 Yugos trying to drive there. He decided to order Sgt Hammerhead from the pioneer platoon to build a causeway to the island. Several members of the platoon drowned during this endeavor when the Sgt ordered them out to see how deep the water was and they forgot to stop when it got over their heads. While recovering the bodies Sgt Hammerhead discovered an ancient wreck of a New York garbage barge. In this wreck he found many fine treasures including ....

 

[Shec]

a couple of crates of Soylent Green organic snack crackers.  While  "Best Before" date had long since expired he turned over this gourmet find to the Mess Sgt., Sgt.  Ptomaine, who  served them  roasted and smothered with ketchup and melted marshmallows to the men for dinner that very night, which happened to be the evening of the annual all-ranks mess dinner commemorating...

 

[kkwd]

... the great victory at Kitchiecoo Corners, an enemy victory of course. But that is the only battle they participated in where all the troops didn't run away screaming. The dinner starts with the traditional punching out of the oldest corporal by the youngest private. This year a new thing was tried in which a kiddie pool was filled with cream puffs and the Interpretive Dance Section, led by Sgt Leo Tard, danced around in it. The resulting mush was scooped up and served to the troops. It was a great hit with everybody but especially the guy who found the toenail in his as he gets a special prize. The dinner went well except for one guy choking on ....

 

[armyvern]

chicken at the Beaverspiel who caused ...

 

[kkwd]

.... a chain reaction of puking that continued well into the night. With sore stomachs and bad tastes in their mouths they slipped and slid around in the slimy puke. But all that did not go to waste, the RQ, being the enterprising type, collected up the puke and put it into bottles. He put the bottles in the regimental kit shop to be sold for 50 cents each. Meanwhile, back on the ranch, our bus load of Zulus were getting very thin as we haven't fed them since about reply number 300. They were looking very hard at the driver and were about to go through his pockets for loose peanuts and Lifesavers. But all of a sudden, in through the window crashed our uber hero ....

 

[Shec]

L/Pte. Wayne, John Duke, who while commanding a flying tiger demonstrated true grit leading the flying leathernecks over the sands of Iwo Jima wearing a green beret for the fighting seabees as they escorted a stagecoach  across the Rio Grande and the Red River to Fort Apache so that she could wear a yellow ribbon on the longest day...

 

[kkwd]

.... panting like a dog after that long winded introduction he was useless and got his ass kicked by the Zulus. They took his cape and dumped him off at Milice HQ. Oh, says the major, another fine performance by one of the troops. It's time to have a training exercise to see if we can improve the ratio of victories to ass kicking. He named the exercise "Beat It". But wouldn't you know it, Michael Jackson got wind of it and wanted to collect some royalties. Maybe after he collects his cash he won't have to auction off all his stuff in April. But he didn't know who he was dealing with, our superninjasniperwannabes are not just your run of the mill dumb guys, they are special. The short bus was invented for them. So when the gloved one showed up to collect some money the Super Secret Anti Everybody Section sprung into action. Their section commander, Sgt Crotchrot, had a hole dug in front of the door to the HQ. But never underestimate Mr. Jackson, he just slid across the void with his classic moonwalk. Seeing this, the section 2ic, Mcpl Buttsweat, threw himself towards Jackson, of course he missed and ended up in the hole. While rescuing him the remainder of the section ....

 

[Shec]

forgetting such things as ladders, grappling hooks, ropes, and even leaving one of there number topside jumped into the hole after their leader.  While this speaks volumes about their "Follow Me" ethic  it says little else that merits praise.  Fortunately they all had their genuine fake rambo knives with them which happens to have an entrenching tool attachment.  And so, upon assessing the tactical situation, they...

 

[Kat Stevens]

decided that life was pointless, and launched a full nuclear release, vapourising the earth and bringing this godawful thread to an end.

 

[Teeps74]

Then I clap my hands... Why stop here? "Let there be light!", with that, a great brightness filled the void, and from this sprung a great ball of dust...

 

[armyvern]

which was found by the DS during inspection under the bed of one Teeps74; he had been framed by his buddies with the most gigantic dust bunny in history due to his insistance on resurrecting this thread. Damn narricist.    And Gawd said, "let that be a lesson to you all."