So there I was.......

[Shec]

...clean the greasetraps in the kitchen of the International House of Poutine which, owned by the major's cousin's uncle's sister-in-law's granddaughter's aunt's niece, held a Milice catering contract...

 

[kkwd]

.... to supply box lunches for all training. They were very popular with the troops and there was always a mad scramble for seconds. One particularly good batch caused a fight that lasted well into the next day. During this battle there was the loss of 3 eyes and a leg. After that the major kept all the extra box lunches for himself. This was not popular with the troops and resulted in a riot. A passing troop of Girl Guides saw the riot and stepped in and put an end to it. Once all the trouble had passed the troops headed out for some entertainment at ....

 

[Shec]

the Interprovincial All Star All Female  Roller Derby, Gouging, and HairPulling Tournament being conveniently held across the back alley from the General Hospital.  It was at this event that the aforementioned young Soldat Peabrain fell head over heals enchanted with the charming seductress  No-Teeth Nadine of the East End Elbow Smashers...

 

[kkwd]

.... Peabrain had a front row seat to all the action and really enjoyed being splashed by sweat and tobacco juice. He would save the fluids from his sweetie in a small bottle he wore around his neck. Every once in a while he would take it out and take a little drink. His section commander saw him do this and wanted some too. He took down about half of the swill and immediately passed out. This was Peabrain's chance, he went through the section commander's pockets for loose change. But all he found was pocket lint and the key to the section liquor cabinet. The cabinet contained only cheap wine and moldy pretzels. But surprisingly when mixed together make the regimental snack called ....

 

[Shec]

Purple Toejam, unless white wine was used in which case it was called Toejam Blanc...

 

[kkwd]

.... it was bottled in used urine sample bottles which gave it a special flavour somewhat akin to that taste you get when you ....

 

[PMedMoe]

...suck on a penny, you know that coppery taste, similar to the major's Mom's home-cooking which......

 

[kkwd]

.... relies heavily on spices to disguise the taste of very old roadkill. It helps to serve scalding drinks before the meal to deaden the taste buds as well. Her finest effort involved an unfortunate raccoon run over by the major himself in while riding his Big Wheel last week. It is in the shop right now getting the guts pulled out of the innards so he makes do with ...

 

[Shec]

an expired bus pass he found in...

 

[kkwd]

.... the pocket of a pair of jeans he fished out of the river by the sewer outlet. The only problem was they were being worn at the time by ....

 

[Shec]

recently promoted Caporal Scuzzball who, as a wannabe biker during his off-duty hours, ran afoul of the notorious Hell's Angel Mom Boucher...

 

[kkwd]

.... by swiping the club mascot and selling it to a rival gang called The Southsouthwestern GPS Masters. They in turn put it on ebay where it was sold to ....

 

[Shec]

Prince Walter Mitty's Own Light Fusiliers (Air Assault) Regimental Association...

 

[kkwd]

.... the ranks of which are filled with blow up dolls and stick figures drawn on the wall in chalk. The commander of the regiment, a former inmate of an insane asylum, spends his spare time ....

 

[Shec]

...confiding his innermost deep, meaningful, secrets with his pet marble Rolly until one day, just totally frustrated with it all, he...

 

[kkwd]

.... stuffed it up his nose and to this day he whistles while he breathes. But there were financial troubles in the regiment. They had to sell their treasured collection of William Shatner vinyl records. Having made $1.99 from that sale, minus postage, they had a unit smoker where a great tragedy occurred. Pte Inflateapotamus received a cigarette burn that caused his head to deflate. Despite the best efforts of Cpl Needleus, the medic, Pte Inflateapotamus passed away. The funeral was attended by all members of the regiment. That is where another tragedy occurred. It was a wet and windy day causing many members to be blown away and washed off the wall. It was a devastating day for the regiment and forever will be know as ....

 

[Shec]

The Day Something Terrible Happened.  This solemn occasion, commemorated in the annals of the Regiment, figures on the annual calendar with a parade at the Wall of Shame...

 

[kkwd]

.... which is located on back of the "Dumpster Of Zeroes", the ceremony starts with ....

 

[Shec]

the bugler, Sgt. Chappedlips, blowing the Deserted Post.  Then after a Big Mac with fries is laid at the foot of the Wall by Col. Mitty himself the piper, Cpl. Lungcapacity, plays Weeds of the Septicfield.  The Regiment following its colours and lead by its Corps of Bums then passes in review on its way to...

 

[kkwd]

.... Craptastic Hall, the regimental eatery. After the traditional meal of beans and pork a fart-off was held. Pte Poopypants, last years champ, was disqualified when his fart had bones in it. Cpl Gassy took the title with a musical rendition of the regimental march past called "We Believe If Nobody Else Does" and was awarded the Mitty Trophy along with some coupons to Tim Horton's that expired in 1998. The Italian exchange soldier to the regiment, Caporalmaggiore capo scelto Farticus, gave the contest a heroic effort but the end result was unexpected. He knocked over the RSM's wife and set her hair on fire when the cigarette she was smoking caused his fart to explode in a bright orange ball. After a good time at the eatery all members headed over to the river to swim in the warm waters of the outlet pipe of the nuclear power plant. This plant was purchased as surplus from the Chernobyl area. After a refreshing dip all the troops headed home.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, the major called an emergency muster parade of the troops to get ready for their next operation, the take over of the local pirate bar, the ARRRGH. It was required to plan further operations since it had ....