Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk

[pronto]

Heard in Shilo '79:

All stations this is unknown station...
<said in a terrible German accent>:
"Zere ver two peanuts walking down the strasse, und one of them was assaulted".... "Peanut"

The pause between "assaulted" and "peanut" grew to over four hours between May and August.

The last one heard was "peanut" about two minutes before the start of a battle run at 07:30 - the start of the joke was send at 01:45. It was slipped in between real messages, and the Pronto at the time (me) was totally not expecting it.

I fell out of my chair I laughed so hard. As I was the only one who spoke german in the area, I was, at the time relaying in a German CP surrounded by Germans, speaking German, when the ghost of Heinrich Himmler slipped in between the ariwaves to whisper "Peanut". They never figured it out.

Cheers
Pronto

 

[GO!!!]

Once upon a time in a training area far, far away, a young platoon comd who was in good shape, tried to do a 3km flanking in 9 mins with his entire platoon in tow, forgetting that they had things like 84mm, eryx's, C6s, mortars and radios.

He ran so far and so fast that it was him and him alone on the assault line when the time came. The grand pubaa was unimpressed, as was his RSM, who implied to the young platoon commander's signaller a remedy to this affliction of "lightloadalitus".

The very next day, the young platoon commander had a busy day of commanding, and found himself greatly fatigued, on that evening, returning to his hootch. Upon dropping his webbing and NBC bag, he heard a strange "clunk". Further investigation revealed a great quantity of rocks, carfully placed so as to avoid detection.

No word on if his affliction was cured.

 

[redleafjumper]

CSM and the rabid fox?  Gosh Danjanou, I don't remember that one, though there is something in the grey matter about a fox...  Nope, guess I need a memory refresher on that one!

 

[Danjanou]

Details are a bit hazy here too, hey it's been what 25 years now. Seems to me at one of those pointless defensive positions complete with mine tape trenches that a fox or at least rumours of a fox moving around the coy lines and the zulu harbour. Things escalated and soon it was a rabid fox. This led to some members of the coy HQ were barricading themselves in the CP until the CSM led a clearing patrol out to seek and destroy that pesky Warsaw Pact Spetnaz fox.

Personally I bet it was one of those mouse deer, they were always around. I remember one scaring the crap out of me one night hen it came out of the bushes and literally leapt over the barrel of the .50.

(wife wonders why I can remember stuff like this and forget to pick up milk on the way home from work :-[)

 

[shadowspar]

OK, I had to register just so I could add a few I've heard.

From QL2:

QM Sgt:  Private, can you count?
Pte:  Yes, Sergeant!
QM Sgt:  I'll be the f***ing judge of that.

Section 2IC:  Teamwork!  You guys gotta have teamwork.  If you don't have teamwork, you're just a bunch of street punks with clean weapons.


The reg force instructors on our QL3 weren't impressed with the poor physical conditioning of their reserve candidates.  About 80% of the class fell out during our first PT run, and as we wheezed and panted back at the barracks, one of the Sergeants lambasted us in his thick french accent:  "You guys don't wanna try on PT?  Well I can stand here and make you do poosh-up all night if you want!  ... because I have no life!  I live in the shacks, just like you.  I own a pair of running shoes and a car...and the car ain't go nowhere in tree weeks!"


First morning of CAC, all the FOO parties have to head back to base for an early-morning refresher on laser rangefinder safety.  None of us passed a particularly restful night and apparently we were all giving the AIG the thousand-meter stare -- right in the middle of lecturing on about the Nominal Ocular Hazard Distance (NOHD), he stopped and blurted out, "Why are you guys all looking at me like I've got a toaster on my head?"


Finally, some Bdrs and Cpls were in the midst of their JLC course during our weapons refresher training, so the Sgts decided to give them a crack at performing inspections.

Bdr:  Did you shave this morning, Gunner?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you shower?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your hair?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your face?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your hands?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your feet?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your crotch?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you notice anyone who didn't?
Me:  Uhh...no, Bombardier!

 

[DG-41]

Supposedly from RRMC:

Young First Year is getting drill instruction and having a hell of a time. Veddy British RSM is watching from a distance, finally gets fed up, and stops over. Pokes him in the chest with his pace stick, and yells "Bloody Helly Juniour Cadet! There's shit on the end of my pace stick!"

Quick thinking cadet: "Which end, Sir?"

From the subgenre of "mistaking transmit from intercom on the presso switch"

The PEIR did an ARCON in Bisons (which make awesome recce vehicles) We're all lined up, three troops across, on a ridgeline in Gagetown, as the sun breaks over the horizon. Just before H-Hour, over the radio comes "Driver prepare to reverse, driver reverse" and almost the whole Regiment backs off the ridgeline in unison.

Also from that ex "Hey, are you going to eat that last egg?"

DG

 

[George Wallace]

Arguing with an Infantryman is like wrestling with a Pig.

You both get dirty.

But the Pig loves it.

 

[Burden]

-One morning during inspection a Mcpl's phone rings and says "Do you know who that is? Thats the unsatisfactory police calling to tell you that your room is unsatisfactory."

-"Do you know what happens when people are late? People die"
("People die" was usally the answer to alot of questions)

-"Those are'nt dust bunnies. Their dust rhinos"

 

[redleafjumper]

I thought artillerymen viewed other artillerymen (enemy ones that is), as primary targets and called that counterbattery.

 

[jaawod]

Shouted at our basic platoon by one of our drill instructor's:

"When you are at the position of attention you do not move!  I don't care if seagulls fly down from the sky and peck out your ****ing eyeballs, you do not move!"

Heard during inspection:

"What the hell is this?"
"A dust bunny MCpl"
"You know pets aren't authorized in the barracks!"

I have more but i'll have to try and remember them

 

[Old Ranger]

One Range Weekend up in Borden;
I had permission to arrive late.
I just got settled for bed in the old S-136
And my W.O.### charged into the room and asked if I had been
DeBriefed.

Standing in my Boxers (Killer Bunnies to be exact)

"I certainly hope not, sir.  But I have been told what the plan is"

All that weekend "Range, 100 yards, Squad of Killer Bunnies..."

 

[Tornado]

While Parliament was deliberating on whether or not to join the U.S. and U.K. in Iraq, my rather concerned parents had called me and asked, "So, do you think you guys will be going to Iraq?"

Without hesitation I replied, "I suppose, if there's a seat sale."

Got them laughing and put their minds at ease.

Comedy is much funnier when it's true. Sad, eh?

Take Care 

 

[Bograt]

I have a couple. I'll give a couple.

In Farnum, during February, minus 37, 4 AM, there is a stand too. After 15 minutes of lying prone in the snow with little on, the O'cdt next to me asks "Hey Bograt, Are you cold?"

While on a 10 km run, looking and noticing the PO is huffing a little harder than the rest, it was heard "Don't worry PO, we will finish this together..."

My favorite however was: "Congratulations Ocdt Bograt, your wife had the baby today. A boy. Both are doing great."

 

[Yeoman]

while playing enemy force for stalwart guardian earlier this year I had several incidents with the radio
we had one guy, brand new to the battalion, not even a week in yet. gets thrown into the lav to do cp stuff before they roar in for the attack. while doing radio checks with him in the lav all we hear is "zulu out" for everything. needless to say he got called zulu for the rest of the ex.
another night my buddy was doing Company CP stuff as the OC and CSM slept in the same building as us, but at the same time he was also a sub call sign (so he was both 59 and 52)
while on the position we would just call him 52 rather then 59, and we were trying to pass along some info to him just so he knew what was going on back there. trying to get a hold of him, he wouldn't answer, do it again, wouldn't answer. Finally he gets on the net "52alpha this is 59 I will relay the message to 52". he then proceeds to begin and attempt to pass the message along to himself. We let him attempt it, then curse himself out and out the message. after laughing for a good ten minutes about it, we got back on and informed him he was both 52 and 59. still haven't let him down for that yet.
Greg

 

[Old Ranger]

Officer: Hey Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Cpl: Sure thing Buddy.
Officer: Cpl is that any way to speak to an Officer? Now let's try this again. 
          Do you have change for a dollar?

Cpl: No Sir!

 

[reccecrewman]

Course Warrant to Candidate who attempted to form his beret the wrong way;

Pvt. ______________!!!!!! You're as fu**ed up as a football bat! I'm not even going to bother with you!

 

[JDFreeSoul]

While talking with a buddy...
"Where the **** the sun has gone again, it seemed to be sunny this morning..."
A Lieutnant was passing by...
"Don't you know yet son... the sun's like you, he's afraid of Hell"

While a Private was sat down having a hard time a SGT came and halted straight by his side...
"I bet you always wanted to be somebody important soldier... well you are now, but you, you should've been more specific..."

I admit it was awful but still funny.

 

[Nemo888]

MP: "You just ran through that stop sign. You didn't stop you just slowed down."
Pte: "Stopped slowed down, whats the difference."
MP: "If I take out my nightstick and start beating you do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[CANSIGS]

Assumption is the Mother of all *uckups

Never assume, it makes an Ass of you and me and I dont like
being called an Ass, now get down and give me 50

 

[redleafjumper]

One of my favourites I originally heard from a distinguished LCol of the PPCLI the morning after the night before:

"Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that your plot to assassinate me last night has failed."