I am near the end of the application process. I have a thirteen month old boy that I will have to leave behind (with husband and extended family) for Basic Training and, later, all the rest of my training. I am quite sure that this is the best thing for my family over-all but the next two year period will be a rough one. I am unsure if it will just be difficult for me and my son will be fine, or if there will be some life-long repercussions because of my absence. I have all kinds of worries and hoped that there might be someone here who has experiences and/or advice to share.
Leaving Children For Training, Etc. -Merged
- Thread starter REJ
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Well a child needs its parents.. both parents. Do they have some sort of Military Housing that you could all live in? I mean when the kid was older I think it would be fine, but at his infancy it might not be so good. Sorry this is the best link I could find http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/separation.html
Gunner
Army.ca Veteran
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REJ,
You have determined that joining the military is the best thing for your family. Any time away from your family will be difficult on you, your husband, your child, but it is part of life in the military. You are very lucky to have an understanding spouse and extended family that will assist while you are away. Don't get too wrapped up in the "child needs its parents" mentaility spoken by Warvstar, your child needs a stable family environment which is being provided. Before you sign the dotted line, make sure you are comfortable with your decision, know that your husband and family are behind you, and then go kick some ass in the military.
You have determined that joining the military is the best thing for your family. Any time away from your family will be difficult on you, your husband, your child, but it is part of life in the military. You are very lucky to have an understanding spouse and extended family that will assist while you are away. Don't get too wrapped up in the "child needs its parents" mentaility spoken by Warvstar, your child needs a stable family environment which is being provided. Before you sign the dotted line, make sure you are comfortable with your decision, know that your husband and family are behind you, and then go kick some ass in the military.
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You're not going through anything that thousands of others haven't experienced, male AND female. Soldiers have been leaving families behind for training, and much worse, for centuries. This is part of what makes army brats an unusually independent bunch of people down the road, they learn about adversity at an early age...Just my $.02, as usual
Kat
Kat
Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate the input. Thanks most especially to Gunner who said what I needed to hear. Despite me wanting to always be with my son, circumstances are such that I cannot. He will continue to have a wonderful family environment with me gone for periods of time. I hope that he will still feel close to me and loved, as well as grow up to be an independent and well-adjusted adult. My husband and I had already decided about this career; I guess I just needed assurances from people "in the know" that things would be fine. So, now to move forward and kick some butt!
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
Im just saying wait a untill the kid is a little older read the facts, Kids needs there moms more than any other person for the first 1 1/2 years after that then you should join. our even better ask a doctor or a phyiciatrist. All you will probrally get here is oppinions, just because one is more to your liking does not mean it is the right choice. Im not saying dont do it, although it kinda sounds like that.. but rather read up on it and ask a doctor or phyiciatrist. Im only 19 but from what I have read kids really need there mom even more than there dad for the first year and a half.
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Hmmm. Well, I'm not a Doctor, but I am a parent and a single parent at that. The first time I had to leave my child was to go on a course when she was 9 months old. It was tough, no doubt about that, but we both survived. You are very lucky to have a wonderful support system in place. I can't tell you what to do, and neither can anyone else here. That is something you will need to decide on your own. Only you and your family can make the right choice, however, there are many mothers (and fathers) who have gone on course, tours and tasks...and the kids (with a good support system) seem to make it through just fine. Good luck. 
x-grunt
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Warvstar said:
I do. Both personal and professional.
REJ, as others have stated your child will survive your absences but of course there are concerns, and I'm delighted to see you taking some time to investigate the possible consequences.
My unsolicited .02 is if you have the choice, it's best to wait until the little'un is about 2+ The CF will still be here in a few months!
Every situation is different, so if you want to hash this out with a pro - always a good idea - a really good resource is the nation-wide Parent Helpline at 1-888-603-9100. It's 24/7, and you can discuss your concerns confidentially over the phone. Good resource for all of us raising kids.
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Well I'm a Mom and in the military. All 3 of my girls were born after I joined. Yes maybe the professional will say that its more important to be around when you child are still young but there is something to be said about the strength they gather for themselves when you have to be away. My oldest is now 7 and she has always had one of her parents apart in her first 4 years. When my second was 18 months old I was sent to afghanistan for 6 months with no HLTA(Leave to come home). Yes it was hard on her and I to reconnect but now the middle child is 5 and the oldest is 7 and we are extremly close. Some of the worst parents are the ones who are always home (not all but some) and some are the ones who go away. It boils down to the quality of time you do spend with them. When we are home we don't go to parties or the mess unless its a function we have to attend(these don't happen to often). We have a routine eg. Friday nights its a family supper at a restaurant, Satuarday a family movie at home. We always eat meals at home together and we never go to bed angry. 2 years ago we were being transfered when my middle daughter fell and had a massive brain injury, my oldest now was dealing with alot of uncertainity with the move, her sisters medical condition and with starting school. She handle it wonderfully. Stress doesn't seem to affect her to much. I think its because our lives are always changing with the nature of our jobs so when her life really changed she was and is still amazing. Reallize that its about you and your relationship with you child and family. If you teach them well and love them lots. And always ensure the time you spend together is really quality then it will be okay. As a mother and a soldier if you have good family support (sounds like you do) the you can have it all. The men always have just keep it in the back of your mind quality not quantiy counts. (sorry for spelling errors but spell check wasn't working)
Kirsten
Kirsten
x-grunt
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Bingo. You nailed it right there. Kirsten, sounds like you have done a stellar job.
Nonetheless, if the option is there, it's always better to have two parents. It is never more desireable to have one parent absent, unless that parent is a negative influence when they are home (i.e. alcoholic, anger issues, abusive, neglectful etc.)
But the reality is military families have to seperate, and it is certainly workable, esp if you put the kids needs first and your partner is 100% onboard and capable. I stand by my previous post that if it's possible, having mommy around until 2+ is best.
REJ: Here are some military parent/child resource links about seperation and deployment that you may find useful:
http://www.wood.army.mil/mwr/deploymenthndbook.htm
http://www.zerotothree.org/military/
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Was having a discussion with some other mom's, both military and non, recently and it made me curious about others out there. (Please read sea-going as also flying, TD'd, in the field etc).
How old is your child(ren) and how are you coping with time away from home?
I began my current contract when my son was 4. He is now 7. Although it is difficult being away for extended periods of time, I find he is at a good age for this. Don't get me wrong, no age is the best for being away, but his current age works well, as he can talk on the phone to me (he's even learning the morale phone with the delays!), can send emails and mail, and understands dates of events when looking on the calendar. He isn't changing daily like an infant, and he isn't going to run off or get into bad crowds (yet). That being said, he is still moody, but his teachers and sitters work well with him. My husband is also Navy, but so far he has managed to keep shore billets which allow him to be home, except for the occasional duty or short coursing. Needless to say, it does make for some trying times when I get home and hubby is at the door waiting to run away for a break LOL. But we are both happy in our jobs and it helps too that I want to stay at sea and not work at a desk, whereas he prefers the desk over the ship.
All that being said, how are others doing? And what helps you reintegrate when you get back home?
Tks
How old is your child(ren) and how are you coping with time away from home?
I began my current contract when my son was 4. He is now 7. Although it is difficult being away for extended periods of time, I find he is at a good age for this. Don't get me wrong, no age is the best for being away, but his current age works well, as he can talk on the phone to me (he's even learning the morale phone with the delays!), can send emails and mail, and understands dates of events when looking on the calendar. He isn't changing daily like an infant, and he isn't going to run off or get into bad crowds (yet). That being said, he is still moody, but his teachers and sitters work well with him. My husband is also Navy, but so far he has managed to keep shore billets which allow him to be home, except for the occasional duty or short coursing. Needless to say, it does make for some trying times when I get home and hubby is at the door waiting to run away for a break LOL. But we are both happy in our jobs and it helps too that I want to stay at sea and not work at a desk, whereas he prefers the desk over the ship.
All that being said, how are others doing? And what helps you reintegrate when you get back home?
Tks
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Hi ... I did find a topic on this from about 3 yrs ago but it was short lived and went into a new direction very quickly ...
I just recently joined the CF and leave for Gagetown May 7th ... but ...
Here's the thing ... I have a 2 yr old daughter and my wife seems to be concerned about how to explain to her why daddy is gone and where I am and when I'm coming home. She's also concerned about the length of time I'll be away. She's still too young to understand what we're telling her but I know that when she gets older she will hopefully understand.
If there is anyone out there who would like to share any stories or advice I'd very much appreciate it ... as I have walked away from Army.ca with plenty of both since I've joined.
:cdnsalute:
I just recently joined the CF and leave for Gagetown May 7th ... but ...
Here's the thing ... I have a 2 yr old daughter and my wife seems to be concerned about how to explain to her why daddy is gone and where I am and when I'm coming home. She's also concerned about the length of time I'll be away. She's still too young to understand what we're telling her but I know that when she gets older she will hopefully understand.
If there is anyone out there who would like to share any stories or advice I'd very much appreciate it ... as I have walked away from Army.ca with plenty of both since I've joined.
:cdnsalute:
George Wallace
Army.ca Dinosaur
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I would suggest reading some of the topics in this forum on "Deployments". There are a lot of good suggestions for what a Spouse and Children can do during periods of separation.
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Hello Junior,
I know many people may disagree with me but the Truth is probably the best way. I know that when Hubby left for the Ghan last year, we didn't know how to tell our 3 yr old daughter. We simply told her the truth in a way that she would understand. It was very effective and today she still talks about her daddy when he went to "Afghanistan to save the kids from the monsters". Children are more adaptable then most people give them credit for. They also understand more then one could imagine. Your family will realize it is hard at first but it becomes a part of life. In our case it is " Daddy went to the field" She always tells me, Don't worry mom, he will be back soon.!
Just make sure that you explain it to her in a way that she understands.
Take care and Good luck
I know many people may disagree with me but the Truth is probably the best way. I know that when Hubby left for the Ghan last year, we didn't know how to tell our 3 yr old daughter. We simply told her the truth in a way that she would understand. It was very effective and today she still talks about her daddy when he went to "Afghanistan to save the kids from the monsters". Children are more adaptable then most people give them credit for. They also understand more then one could imagine. Your family will realize it is hard at first but it becomes a part of life. In our case it is " Daddy went to the field" She always tells me, Don't worry mom, he will be back soon.!
Just make sure that you explain it to her in a way that she understands.
Take care and Good luck
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It is my experience that a two year old will barely notice your absence. Not that you won't be missed, you will...but two year olds have no real sense of time.
My children are still young (5 and 4) and it is only recently that my kids have started to notice when Daddy is away. It actually took 6 weeks from my hubby's departure for a tour in A-stan before my 4 year old realized Daddy was missed. We always explained the iminent absence to the kids before my husbands departures (for course, exercise, tasking or deployment), but I noticed that the children really only reacted to MY emotions and feelings. So as long as I "held it together" while they were awake...all was well.
Children, while young, are very resilient. If your kids grow up knowing that Mommy or Daddy have to go away for work they will treat it as fact of life. As long as both parents are fully present with the children when they are home, I don't think the kids will resent anything. At least I hope not.
Cheers,
CAW
My children are still young (5 and 4) and it is only recently that my kids have started to notice when Daddy is away. It actually took 6 weeks from my hubby's departure for a tour in A-stan before my 4 year old realized Daddy was missed. We always explained the iminent absence to the kids before my husbands departures (for course, exercise, tasking or deployment), but I noticed that the children really only reacted to MY emotions and feelings. So as long as I "held it together" while they were awake...all was well.
Children, while young, are very resilient. If your kids grow up knowing that Mommy or Daddy have to go away for work they will treat it as fact of life. As long as both parents are fully present with the children when they are home, I don't think the kids will resent anything. At least I hope not.
Cheers,
CAW
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Children are tougher than what we give them credit. Its the adults who fall apart and when that happens, everything goes into the toilet.
My daughters now grown were always asking were I was going when I was deployed with the UN or just and exercise. The truth is always the best, but in terms what a 4-5 year old can understand. Believe me it gets harder as they get older. The glue that holds the family together is your spouse, in my case my wife, she was a rock. She had grown up an army brat, so new all to well what to expect.
My daughters now grown were always asking were I was going when I was deployed with the UN or just and exercise. The truth is always the best, but in terms what a 4-5 year old can understand. Believe me it gets harder as they get older. The glue that holds the family together is your spouse, in my case my wife, she was a rock. She had grown up an army brat, so new all to well what to expect.
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