Determined

[Determined]

I don't know where to start. I am a bit reluctant to share but at the same time feel I need to. Maybe hopefully connect with like minded people.
I feel so isolated at times it's crazy.

I applied in April 2012.

I used to be 450lbs. Residing at 190lbs. I've quite smoking cigs, weed, drinking, and a lot of extensive therapy(voluntary and normal with such a lifestyle transformation), with no anti depressants, but lots of physical activity.
What I've gone thru to get where I am now, some say is amazing. I have done what most have not done in two lifetimes.
Do I feel amazing?
Nah.
Do I want amazing? Maybe.
I would have NEVER thought in a million years to ever apply for the CF.
Now it seems like it's the only thing I want. Part of me feels I need it, and that wouldn't be healthy either. It would be unhealthy to continually seek validation externally. It's true. I have some of my self worth riding on this, and that part is what I hope to change before I make it to basic. And I'm going to make it. Just hopefully it happens sooner than later.

I'm older. I'm 39. Almost 40, next month.

People ask me, why I want to join the CF and that was the easy part. I had these goals before joining the CF was even suggested to me, and that the CF could help me reach these goals.

1. I want extreme physical activity
2. I want structure, regimented routine, discipline
3. I want to travel
4. I want a retirement plan
5. I want a meaningful career

It wasn't easy fulfilling the steps to apply to the CF. It's intimidating on multiple levels but I went into that Recruiting office a few times. I sought out answers to my questions. I started physically training before I even decided to join but now I had specific CF physical goals to work towards.

In May 2012, I received a call to come and write my CFAT. I wasn't as prepared and sort of choked when it came to the word math problems. No biggie. I didn't get the trade I applied for so I picked another three. I want in. I'm not too concerned with where I am working cos once I am in, I will prove myself and have other goals in life that the CF can help me attain, and not only will I benefit from those goals but so would the CF.

I planned to later rewrite the CFAT but for now my primary goal was to get as far into the process as possible. I hit some medical red tape but it all seemed like there was a work around. I was advised by the medical recruiting team to put off any minor surgeries. So I did. Then Borden wanted medical notes saying these surgeries weren't mandatory. Then the surgeon f**ks up the note(S). Sigh. Now I have to get one minor surgery but this is going to take time.
My file is now going to be closed and I will have to reapply.
I am not giving up but feel awfully discouraged.
I just want in.
The medical recruiter even said she has seen worse off get in, and would higher me in a flash if she could. She doesn't understand why this is all becoming a big issue. Where in the beginning she asked me to put off the surgery, now they are not letting me in unless I get the surgery. No guarantees though. Come April there will be more jobs to apply for, fingers crossed, but will I be ready to apply by then. Will my surgery have taken place, and my physical training back on track after healing. Three months is going to go fast, and I have no date picked for surgery. I am on a waiting list.
I am going to see another surgeon at the end of January. It is very straight forward but the procedures seem to take up a lot of time. Military procedures and medical procedures. Sigh.

I keep trying to think what all my options are. I need to live life according to now but I can't help to feel like I am hanging, and waiting, to get in.

I have been advised that if I could guarantee that I'll have had the surgery in three months, and healed up, they will leave my file open. Otherwise, reapply in April. Sigh.
I wish it would just be left open regardless. I wish I could give that guarantee.

I realize all things happen for some purpose and reason. By the time I reapply I will have restarted my studies to rewrite the CFAT, and this time ace it.  I hope to have completed the one chinup requirement (I'm close). The military style pushups (they are hard). Be able to run 2.4 in less than 15mins. Otherwise the rest of the physical I am ready for. Mind you, I've been told there's no preparation that will ever prepare me for what basic training will test of me.

Thanks for listening.

 

[GnyHwy]

That's a lot of effort, and you write pretty good.  Math?

You weighed 450?  That is a lot to overcome, and if you have then congrats, very much!

Ask yourself this.  Am I right for the Army?

If your answer is yes, then quit talking to us, and go talk to the man that can make it happen (recruiter).

Join Arty, and maybe I'll see ya.

 

[PJGary]

Someone who has the mental nutsack to take themselves from 450lbs to 190lbs has my respect, thats not easy. And obviously you're not a quitter, we could use more people like that man.

Best of luck!

 

[Determined]

Why did you say ask myself "Am I right for the Army?"

At first I did, and the top of the head response was...
I am strong, mentally and physically, determined, dedicated...
then I wondered what is 'right for the Army?" I would have no idea since I've never been in the Army.
When I have shared with some people about joining the CF, they say I would fit right in. I am not even sure what that means, or how they would know.
I just know that this is what I want. Not only to take care of myself, but my family, and others. To follow someone else's set of rules for awhile then my own. Or maybe that's incorrect, and I want to follow someone else's rules that enforce a strict set of rules I already have but not been in the correct environment to practice. 

Yes, Math. I don't have any issues doing the mathematical mechanics but it's translating the equation out of the word math problem that seems to be my downfall. Once I have that equation, I am fully capable of doing the Math.

I started my lifestyle transformation in 2007. That's when I was at my maximum weight of 450lbs.
It's been almost 3 years since I've maintained at 190lbs, but one heck of a roller coaster with all the other stuff required to sustain healthy living, considering my unhealthy previous lifestyle. It's not all just physical sh*t to keep the weight off. It's mostly mental. Exercise is easy, and fun.

It's not easy at all what I've done. It's hard to take joy in it, but I realize that I am a better person for it. The longterm rewards are worth it. Self worth, self respect, possibly longer living, mobility, flexibility, just all around better health mentally, emotionally, physically, and spirtually. It takes time to rebuild one's life, and it's awfully lonely. The transition is...
It really does test if one is comfortable with who they are but how does one know that when their previous lifestyle covered up every ounce of their being, and portrayed them as someone they were not. You don't know. You discover it.
And because I do what most only think of, that leaves me to spend a considerable amount of time alone.
I don't have a problem talking to people or meeting people but I have no control on whether or not they want to be my friends.
Part of me hopes there is a sense of belonging and acceptance when I join the military because I am a very ambitious, highly energetic person who thrives on just living and learning.

Like your quote on your profile GnyHwy.

    You're either part of change or a victim of change

I'd rather be a part of change, or inspire the change, but what a lot of responsibility that is.

Thanks PJGary. I laughed at your mental nutsack comment. You rock.
Funny set of rules you got there too..

Thank you to the both of you for your words. It was nice to have some feedback.
Merry Christmas  :snowman:

 

[Allgunzblazing]

Kudos to you Determined - not many people could do what you have done so far. Also, excellent post!

As far as feeling a little demotivated because of the hurdles in the recruiting process - look past it. I've been in the process for nearly four years now. No medical or legal issues or any shortcoming on my part, but it is other redtape that has delayed my enrollment so far.

All the best to you. I hope your dream comes true soon.

 

[Determined]

Thank you AGB.  It's nice to be able to share my story here. It's helping me to look passed the discouraged feeling alittle.

Wow, four years in the process. I hear some of those stories and they are truly inspiring. Especially once sworn in. Those happy endings get me excited!    The perseverance, dedication and devotion.

I hope your red tape is lessening, and you find yourself where you would like to be with the CF soon as well.

Thanks again.

 

[Jarnhamar]

I used to be 450lbs. Residing at 190lbs.

Holy shit that's wild. Nice job on improving your body that much. True strength is born from pain. You're an inspiration to all the cry babies who are just a few pounds over weight and can't get themselves in shape on basic or warrior platoon or whatever.

I've never heard of the 1 chin up requirement. Is that something new?

Either way good luck.  It sounds like you still have some obstacles ahead of you. Even one day in uniform with the flag on your shoulder will be worth all the bullshit you're going through now.

 

[Allgunzblazing]

BTW - I hope you choose Arty  ;D.

I'm a wannabe gunner.

 

[Determined]

Holy crap that's wild. Nice job on improving your body that much. True strength is born from pain. You're an inspiration to all the cry babies who are just a few pounds over weight and can't get themselves in shape on basic or warrior platoon or whatever.

I've never heard of the 1 chin up requirement. Is that something new?

Either way good luck.  It sounds like you still have some obstacles ahead of you. Even one day in uniform with the flag on your shoulder will be worth all the bullshit you're going through now.

I laughed at the cry babies comment. I still have my physical obstacles to overcome and could be in better shape but I am in the best shape I have ever been. I will, and am, fit by forty with some fine tuning. Physical fitness is a lifetime journey. It's never over. I laugh at those who think that if they exercise for x amount of time, then they don't have to exercise no more. That's f'n funny.
I am still worried about passing basic but I am pretty sure by the time I get in, the physical will be hard but doable, but it's the mental I am more concerned about. Having the mental fortitude to endure. Keep my mouth shut. ETC. I don't care if I cry, as long as I keep doing it. I know when I get angry at myself I can push myself farther. I am not a competitive person in comparing myself to others, but I am competitive with myself in learning something till I have a better understanding of it, or can do it with a bit more ease and not soo much frustration cos it's new. I am very hard on myself. So people keep telling me.

I don't know if the 1 chin up requirement is new or not. I just know in the RFT booklet it states to be able to achieve one. It doesn't say it's mandatory, which I find funny, but it still states to be able to do at least one. Same with the push ups. It says for my age group to do at least 7 but the minimum is 2. That's in small print. lol

I loved reading this, and look forward to feeling that.

Even one day in uniform with the flag on your shoulder will be worth all the bullshit you're going through now.

Thank you btw ObedientiaZelum. It is wild. Every day when I look in the mirror I am still a bit taken back by what I see.
I do believe this though 

True strength is born from pain.

First position I applied for AGB was RMS. Since I sucked at the math problems, my second choice was supply tech. I have no doubt I could do the RMS position with my eyes closed, considering my work experience. Supply tech was my first second choice out of the positions offered to me outside of RMS because it had the most positions available and they were pulling locally to fill these positions, not nationally. I had made it into the selection pool until this medical red tape got in the way.
Now it's back to the beginning. They are giving me a copy of my application and I do hope to convince them to leave my application open at least till the end of January after I see the second specialist. It would be awesome if I got a surgery date during the month of January and it was within the three months mandate. It would be happy birthday to me. lol Since my birthday is at the end of January.

I did look at Arty, with a Reserve unit. Funny thing, the young fella giving the tour kept saying 'We blow shit up. It's fun." that was his recruiting incentive to the other four in the tour group that looked like they were 12 but supposedly 16.
man, I felt old that night. lol

Peace!

 

[Maxadia]

to the other four in the tour group that looked like they were 12 but supposedly 16.
man, I felt old that night. lol

I'm on BMQ right now....turn 41 in April.  People are correct here when they tell you that age is just a state of mind.  I felt pretty old the first weekend we started back in September....I do NOT anymore. 

The people I get along with are actually the youngest on the course.  They respect my life experience, and I respect their zeal for getting the job done.  We actually feed off of each other very well.

Your weight loss.....simply a-****-ing mazing.  Pretty impressive, and very inspiring. 

 

[Determined]

I want where you are!  ;D Congrats by the way.  Good on you. Very inspiring to hear from someone my age group.
What trade?
First time in?
How is the physical in BMQ? Did you physically train prior?
How's the mental? lol How much longer do you have?

Awesome to know about the youngins once you're together. I have no problem bonding with anyone to be honest and look forward to whom I will be doing my BMQ with. Nice there is such a balance in your group.

Thank you. It's hard work. A head trip to be honest. I don't think anyone has any idea how much of a head trip it is. The physical part is the easy part, but to maintain, and facing one's emotional fears, issues, etc, is the part that usually sets us all back where we started from. I have those fears.

 

[Maxadia]

I want where you are!  ;D Congrats by the way.  Good on you. Very inspiring to hear from someone my age group.

There's lots of us in our 40's country-wide. 

What trade?

I'm hoping to become an artillery officer one day.  Yes, I'm "in" arty....but I'm nowhere near being an artillery officer yet, just a recruit.

First time in?

Previous summer stint in 89.  I am of the opinion that BMQ on weekends with a fulltime job, wife, and family is much harder at 40 than single and in the summer at age 17.

How is the physical in BMQ? Did you physically train prior?

I did, but not as much as I should have. That probably holds true for 99% of people.  I'm not the last one standing, nor am I the first one out.  It depends on the situation, but sometimes the mental fortitude allows one to outlast the young studs.

How's the mental? lol How much longer do you have?

Halfway through.  To me, once you realize that the instructors are doing everything to make you a stronger soldier, there is no mental game. It all makes sense, I have no one being a prick just for the sake of that, so mentally I'm in a good place.

Awesome to know about the youngins once you're together. I have no problem bonding with anyone to be honest and look forward to whom I will be doing my BMQ with. Nice there is such a balance in your group.

Like I said, it is mutual respect, and trusting the others to do what needs to be done. My best partner has been a 5'2", petite 17 year old, extremely motivated female with a good attention to detail, and loyalty to match.  Give her a fully loaded C7 rifle, and I'd be comfortable marching in front of her all day long. We have each other's backs - completely.  Takes a while to build that, but that is what BMQ is all about.

Thank you. It's hard work. A head trip to be honest. I don't think anyone has any idea how much of a head trip it is. The physical part is the easy part, but to maintain, and facing one's emotional fears, issues, etc, is the part that usually sets us all back where we started from. I have those fears.

Everyone does.  Just keep doing what you're doing.  Soldier on through.

 

[Determined]

I know there are many in their 40's, country wide, that are applying, re-applying, etc
It's just nice to actually connect, talk to someone, and hear their story from the inside.
It sounds harder doing it with all the other responsibilities and obligations of family life, ect but more motivation too I would think. Sounds like a full plate you have.

Half way thru. Fantastic.
I was told it's just all a mental game. Is there still berating? Or, as I have been reading in other posts, Pte's being called out?
I have been told it's not as hard as it once was but that one's mental fortitude is tested above and beyond, but just to keep it in check that it's not personal per se. Just a test.

I liked what you said here;

once you realize that the instructors are doing everything to make you a stronger soldier, there is no mental game. It all makes sense,

That's great about finding someone to have your back. She sounds like one heck of a solider.  Even I could learn a thing or two from.

Thanks for sharing! Best of Luck to you. Love to hear more about your experience in BMQ. I am very curious about Drills. I have heard a lot about them, and other's discouragement with them if you don't get it. What are they exactly?

Good to have goals. Arty Officer sounds like you have a plan mapped out. One march at at time?
I hope one day to be a Social Work Officer but I need to get in and start my BA first. lol

 

[mld]

DO NOT let medical issues get you down! I was medically declined 1 year ago. I was on a medication that would affect my readiness for deployment. I got on board with a doctor to take me off of it. I am heading to BMQ in one month.

Is it possible to see another surgeon for a second opinion? Perhaps if another professional deems the surgery an elective procedure (one that you do not need) you could move forward? Just throwing ideas out there. I can tell you that the one year I waited while I got my medical figured out went by fast, and now I know that I am entering the CF perfectly healthy and nothing will hold me back. If this surgery will improve your health in the long run, you should certainly do it. Your file being closed is not the end of the world, and if you get your math up to par, you may even be able to rewrite the CFAT and get the trade you wanted originally. You are right that things happen for a reason, so trust it!

 

[Determined]

Hey again mld  :camo:

Congrats on BMQ. Way to f'n go.  That's AWESOME. You must be so pumped! What are you going in for?

I already have an appointment at the end of January with another doctor. I am also on the cancellation list with the current doctor. I usually have a plan a, b and c lol I got in really quick with the second doctor. Faster than I thought. I plan to just get the surgery. I wish I had when I first started the procedure I might be in the healing process by now lol
Oh well.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and suggestions. It's nice to have someone to brainstorm with about the military process.
:snowman:

 

[BeyondTheNow]

Thank you for sharing, Determined.  It takes a lot of guts to share personal experiences and details, especially to a bunch of strangers.  It can leave one feeling extremely vulnerable--being left open to peoples' personal interpretation of what they think you should be/act like/say.  And in a venue such as this (the internet in general), it's so easy for people to be more critical of you and hurtful with their words than they would be to your face--There can be many egos to encounter when we leave ourselves bare.  (In which case, just tell them to go... ;D) I commend your bravery!  While you may have initially decided to post to gain feedback/support/info. from others, you yourself are proving to be an inspiration to others in their process.

I have often felt doubtful and alone with some of my own thoughts and feelings since beginning my own recruitment process, but yours is another story to add to my collection of people who may be experiencing/have experienced some of the same things during their own path.  (I personally hate the stories from those who say application to job offer was quick and a breeze--I just want to punch them in the face, lol

Congrats on your weight loss! Anyone who has ever lost weight by making a conscious decision to better their life-style knows how challenging it can be!  Don't give up, try not to become too discouraged and if things don't quite work out how you planned, just remember...

"No one can achieve anything worthwhile without failure; unless you behave so conservatively that you never have a chance of anything worth experiencing, in which case you fail by default.

Keep failing, and let the critics remain safe behind their conservative veils of bland, risk-free, lack-luster. You keep shining, because '...thar's gold in them thar hills...' of your mind."~Scott Sonnon

 

[Allgunzblazing]

Hey Shuck, very well said. Excellent post  .

I hope and pray that this year, those of us who've been in the process for a few years now are able to become members of the CF. 

 

[Determined]

I agree AGB. I agree. Thank you Shuck. Thank you very much.
I think with the amount of views on this post, and the quality of the comments, I have been very lucky to be honest.

What a great quote. I love that last line "You keep shining, because '...thar's gold in them thar hills..' of your mind. Thank you Schuck and Scott Sonnon! lol Great mindset.
I'd back you up any day Or since you're going MP, I need you to back me up LOL

LOL@I just want to punch them in the face.

It is so nice to actually talk to others who are going thru the process, and to be honest again, I look forward to getting in this year..yes, THIS YEAR! lol So as to make friends in person who are like minded.

I will focus on being grateful where I am at in the process, and patience this year, working towards the longest goal I've ever worked towards. Well, besides being as healthy as I can be which will be for the rest of my life. I am eager though. Eager to belong to a community of like minded people, as well as working towards the other goals I have in life that I am positive the military can help flourish.

You are an inspiration as well Shuck. Just for what you have shared here, a glimpse at an extraordinary positive attitude!

 

[BeyondTheNow]

...Thank you Shuck. Thank you very much....You are an inspiration as well Shuck. Just for what you have shared here, a glimpse at an extraordinary positive attitude!

Thanks! I have to admit, however, that I've never been one of those innately positive people...I tend to naturally look at the negative aspect first, so I have to make a conscious decision every day to focus on the bright side.

I think I'm one of the older ones around here (34), and through my own down-right crappy life experiences I've learned that being positive gets you a lot further in life than being grumpy, jaded, critical and cynical.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's just more fun to be miserable, but not every day--it's just too exhausting! And I'd much rather bring people up than help bring them down...Now that being said, given my career aspirations, if someone's being a d*****b**, you better believe I'll bring them down, HAH!

 

[Determined]

I hear you. That little voice in my head is always telling me to quit and I have to make the conscious choice every time to do otherwise, think otherwise and feel otherwise.  It's something that since I got sober, and in control of allowing myself to feel my feelings instead of cover them up, numb them out, etc the voice has got louder and I am pushing my mental capabilities more than anything else.
I feel it does help to keep myself in the change of thinking and feeling more positive to also help others reminding them of their own potential. Cos at the same time it is reminding me, of my own.
I'm older than you I'm going to be 40 on the 30th. lol
I do think life experience does help with the mindset. You can either choose to be grumpy and everything will always suck you dry, or you can choose to be of a healthier happier mindset and know that things are always going to work out regardless if you're grumpy about it or not. So why not be neutral or just A Ok.
LOL I want to be on your side! I think my trouble making days are over though lol