Dear Bell Canada,
Please go fuck yourself in the ass.
Over the years I have, sadly, been your customer for telephone, DSL, mobile and television services.
Most recently I moved from Guelph to Burlington. I fully expected this 50 kilometer move to generate a fresh batch of fuckery on your part - and I am sad to say that I was not mistaken.
I must say I was greatly surprised on August 1st when I arrived at my new home to find a dial tone. I had been under the impression that the scant 60 days notice I gave you of our move would be insufficient.
You can appreciate, then, how relieved I was when I was told the number I was giving people didn't match the caller ID. In fact, the caller ID information belonged to the previous home owner.
Your helpful Bangladeshi-outsourced repair technicians politely told me the problem would be fixed. Apparently Bell must have provided them with faulty english-punjabi dictionaries as 'we will fix that as soon as possible' really appears to mean, 'we will disconnect all service from your address immediately'.
While I do agree that the 2 days it took you to disconnect the previous owners line might be considered 'speedy' service, I would point out that the fact it took you until August 9th to actually provide me with the phone service I provisioned for the 1st.
Of course, that level of fuckery from Bell Canada is something I've grown accustomed to. In fact, had my phone service actually been properly installed on the right date without me having to make a dozen calls I would probably die of shock.
Sadly, I'm a masochist and when my wife suggested we get BellTV (or ExpressVu if you haven't finished rebranding it yet) I agreed... I will admit that my first instinct was to sue for divorce.
I proceeded to a Bell Canada "Bell World" store where I purchased the fanciest of your receivers. The 9242 dual-tuner PVR. The macaque working at the Bell World store didn't understand why I would want to install the dish myself, even after I explained that your policy of hiring only troglodytes and men with the hands of elephants as technicians precluded me from having you install the dish for me, and suggested I call 1-888-sky-dish to arrange installation.
I even pointed out that there already was a dish on the side of the house - suspiciously labeled BELL - that the previous owner might have used to obtain your service. In fact, all I needed was a $30 LNB as the HDTV PVR requires 2 feeds.
Instead I called the 888 number. In typical Bell Canada fashion the person who answered the phone was exceedingly polite, but completely unable to comprehend your own products and services. Luckily, after a 5 minute tutorial I was able to explain what I needed and what I wanted.
Oddly, rather than send me a $30 part, or a $150 dish install kit, you found it would be most helpful to schedule a macaque to assault my residence sometime in September.
I must admit that I'm an asshole, what with wanting service less than a fortnight after I pay for a receiver, so I asked if there was anything you could do. I was told to call the store, which told me to call the 888 number, which told me to call the store.
So, when I got home I took the slightly less brand spanking new receiver and - after kicking it across the porch and down the stairs - returned it to the store for a full refund. Incidentally, there is a slight chance that some dog feces accidentally wound up in the box. I'd suggest you call the 888 number and ask them if they can help you.
Tomorrow I'll go to the FTA store... I hear dishnet has nice programming.
You fucktards.
