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PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE "It‘s not just the weather
that‘s cooler in Canada"
http://www.post-gazette.com/columnists/20030730sam0730p1.asp
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never
plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn‘t
gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers
you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is
neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn‘t
always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You
hardly know he‘s there.
And then one day you discover that he has pot in his
basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and
that guy you‘ve seen mowing the yard is his spouse.
Allow me to introduce Canada.
The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten
they‘re up there, but they‘ve been busy doing some
surprising things. It‘s like discovering that the mice
you are dimly aware of in your attic have been
building an espresso machine.
Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little
tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the
Willing? Canada wasn‘t willing, as it turns out, to
join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner
menus weren‘t angrily changed to include "freedom
bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway.
And then there‘s the wild drug situation: Canadian
doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana.
Parliament is considering legislation that would not
exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have
heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of
under 15 grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This
is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources
on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it‘s
smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat
every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong.
Now, here‘s the part that I, as an American, can‘t
understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing
everything wrong. They have a drug problem:
Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada
has strict gun control laws, which means that the
criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding
civilians helpless and the government on the verge of
a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been
in place since the ‘70s, but I‘m sure the government
will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They
don‘t even have a death penalty!
And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has
been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13
percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes
committed with guns -- brought in from the United
States, which has become the major illegal weapons
supplier for all of North America -- but my theory is
that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most
criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes.
They‘re probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of
Ho-Hos from convenience stores.
And then there‘s the most reckless move of all: Just
last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize
same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be
thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always
get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell,
not Mel! We must be the only ones who really care
about families. Not enough to make sure they all have
health insurance, of course, but more than those
libertines up north.
This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to
all our stereotypes about Canada. It‘s supposed to be
a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking
hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a
bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists
and royalists more interested in order and good
government than liberty and independence.
But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we
spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to
march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved
and moderate, why are they so progressive about
letting people do what they want to?
Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we
are, according to polls. As a result, Canada‘s
government isn‘t influenced by large, well-organized
religious groups and thus has more in common with
those of Scandinavia than those of the United States,
or, say, Iran.
Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets
19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living
in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita
than the United States.
These are all things we‘ve been told will wreck our
society. But I guess Canadians are different, because
theirs seems oddly sound.
Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom
but really demand that everyone be the same. But the
Canadians seem more adult -- more secure. They aren‘t
afraid of foreigners. They aren‘t afraid of
homosexuality. Most of all, they‘re not afraid of each
other.
I wonder if America will ever be that cool.
that‘s cooler in Canada"
http://www.post-gazette.com/columnists/20030730sam0730p1.asp
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never
plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn‘t
gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers
you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is
neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn‘t
always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You
hardly know he‘s there.
And then one day you discover that he has pot in his
basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and
that guy you‘ve seen mowing the yard is his spouse.
Allow me to introduce Canada.
The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten
they‘re up there, but they‘ve been busy doing some
surprising things. It‘s like discovering that the mice
you are dimly aware of in your attic have been
building an espresso machine.
Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little
tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the
Willing? Canada wasn‘t willing, as it turns out, to
join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner
menus weren‘t angrily changed to include "freedom
bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway.
And then there‘s the wild drug situation: Canadian
doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana.
Parliament is considering legislation that would not
exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have
heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of
under 15 grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This
is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources
on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it‘s
smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat
every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong.
Now, here‘s the part that I, as an American, can‘t
understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing
everything wrong. They have a drug problem:
Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada
has strict gun control laws, which means that the
criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding
civilians helpless and the government on the verge of
a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been
in place since the ‘70s, but I‘m sure the government
will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They
don‘t even have a death penalty!
And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has
been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13
percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes
committed with guns -- brought in from the United
States, which has become the major illegal weapons
supplier for all of North America -- but my theory is
that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most
criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes.
They‘re probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of
Ho-Hos from convenience stores.
And then there‘s the most reckless move of all: Just
last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize
same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be
thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always
get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell,
not Mel! We must be the only ones who really care
about families. Not enough to make sure they all have
health insurance, of course, but more than those
libertines up north.
This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to
all our stereotypes about Canada. It‘s supposed to be
a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking
hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a
bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists
and royalists more interested in order and good
government than liberty and independence.
But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we
spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to
march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved
and moderate, why are they so progressive about
letting people do what they want to?
Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we
are, according to polls. As a result, Canada‘s
government isn‘t influenced by large, well-organized
religious groups and thus has more in common with
those of Scandinavia than those of the United States,
or, say, Iran.
Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets
19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living
in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita
than the United States.
These are all things we‘ve been told will wreck our
society. But I guess Canadians are different, because
theirs seems oddly sound.
Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom
but really demand that everyone be the same. But the
Canadians seem more adult -- more secure. They aren‘t
afraid of foreigners. They aren‘t afraid of
homosexuality. Most of all, they‘re not afraid of each
other.
I wonder if America will ever be that cool.
