My boyfriend is back from Afghanistan - I am confused, pls advise

[daisyjane73]

Hello everyone.

My boyfriend has come back home after 6 months in Afghanistan. That should be wonderful, right? Nope.

Where do I start. During his leave, communication was great between us. We talked about the fun we'd have once he returned, etc. He also mentioned how he did not want to do too much once home as he needed to get his things taken care of at home. We decided together to have a peaceful weekend together doing errands and resting.

The 1st day that he arrived was awesome, just like before he was deployed. He actually said so.

The next day, he told me that he was going to hang with his friends the next night. He asked if I had a problem with that. I said that I did not have a problem with him going, and I was a wee bit disappointed as I understood us to be hanging together. Well, that was it, he dumped me saying that I do not give him his freedom and he feels guilty for not being here during his deployment, etc. (I was sick, car acc, etc) Needless to say, he went to see his friends. The next day he went to see other friends. He said that he'd call on his way through and stop by to talk. I got a call, but was already sleeping as I had to work the next day.Now, he is in the USA seeing other friends of his.

Why does he feel the need to let me know his whereabouts when he dumped me? Is he having a hard time adjusting? I am trying to be understanding although very sad that this is happening. I can understand that perhaps it is easier for him to be with his friends, as he feels free. Is this a typical experience from someone being "confined" for 6 months?



I am in such a daze.

 

[armyvern]

It's quite normal to have to go through re-adjustment periods after returning from a tour. That, in and of itself is quite normal.

These troops have been through an awful lot. It has been a busy roto. They need to talk, vent, whatever, but they need to do it with some-one who knows where they are coming from and knows how they feel.

Give him his space to work things out and work through what he needs to. If he didn't need it, he wouldn't be asking for it.

Veronica

 

[daisyjane73]

thanks Veronica...i do know that the troops experience a lot...just feels crappy that he does not want to talk w me. If it is meant to be, it will be, right?  ;D

 

[armyvern]

thanks Veronica...i do know that the troops experience a lot...just feels crappy that he does not want to talk w me. If it is meant to be, it will be, right?  ;D

Exactly. Give him his space. Keep answering the phone. 

 

[geo]

DJ,
some of the boys have gone thru some terrible events and, while they are soooo happy to be home safe, they will grieve lost friends, remember some pert nasty stuff and ..... just need time to get their heads screwed on right side up once again. Amongst friends who have gone thru the same kind of things, they are doing err..... therapy.

Give it a little bit of time, give him a bit of space and while your problems (sick, car accident, etc) are significant in your eyes, he might presently feel that they are/were somewhat minor compared to what he's seen.

A little bit of patience, let "normal" find its' way back

Chimo!

 

[little mac]

Although this may be a very sad time for you expecting your boyfriend to be a certain way and he isn't, I don't think any of us could possibly conceive of  what these soldiers have been through. What they have witnessed and had to endure. We can have some bad things happen to us as we see them in our own eyes, but surely nothing absolutely nothing could ever compare to what our men and women see on their tours of duty. Settling into anything normal, probably comes at a cost. Other army buddies are indeed the only ones that can know exactly what he is experiencing. The army family is indeed that, and as I have experienced personally more tightly knit than anyone outside the army can imagine. That is not to say that this happens to absolutely everybody, but perhaps he does just need that adjustment time, with his army family. Accepting him as he is with no preconceived ideas of where he is to spend his time., and how he is to act or re-act.

 

[armywife/cadetmom]

Daisy, i hope things do end up coming around for you. 
TO others....yes, he has been thru alot, its has affected him, changed him and he needs time.....but it may not be completely fair to say to Daisy 'HE needs' 'him, him him'.....YES i understand he has just returned from the gates of hell.....but this woman stood by him thru it and he came home and DUMPED her!!!!!  I am Certain she understands what his life was there.

My advice is let it ride, there is a site for Support and Compassion for you, if you want the addy PM me....hopefully when he is done essentially 'detoxing ' himself from the hell he lived in he will come around.  Hugs to you, i am sure you did nothing to warrent his actions, and hopefully its just a slight ripple in your life together.

M

 

[1feral1]

Before I left, my GF had said to me" Ï hope this war does not make you any wierder than you are already".

In short Daisy, just give him all the space he needs, telling him you are there for him when he is ready.

Good luck. If its meant to be with you both, it will happen.

Regards,

Wes

 

[Haggis]

Exactly. Give him his space. Keep answering the phone. 

This is the best advice so far!

Men are weird.  Ask my wife.

 

[geo]

my wife would say the same......

 

[little mac]

Didn't mean to offend!!! My apologies

 

[geo]

who said you offended?

(though a little redundant )

 

[daisyjane73]

Wow, thanks to all of you for your advice.
My b/f still remains extremely distant and taking off all of the place to see his friends (not military).
Also, I do not quite understand the de-briefing process? I do know that it was 4 days in Cyprus. Perhaps one of you could tell me if they provide counselling to the troops before their coming home? I am still quite concerned about my b/f as it has been 3 weeks now. I also know that the time can vary per person.

Daisy

 

[steen15]

Daisy,
I know this isn't something you might want to hear or anything but,  one of the things they tell us in the pdt is a rule of thumb, for every day on tour you will need to re-adjust.  But everyone is different some guys snap back into their old routine in a couple of weeks others take 4-6 months.  It all depends on there own brain and physcology.  Everyone digests things that they saw and experienced differently.  There is counselling and de-briefing, and help there for guys, all they have to do is ask for it.  Like everyone else said, you just need to give him space, not sure how long you guys were together but the six months is a long time to be apart, was about the right amout of time for my ex to leave.  But again like everyone is saying it takes space and time, give that to him and keep talking to him when he wants to talk......its all ya can do right now if you want to work thru it.

 

[daisyjane73]

Thank you Steen15 for your helpful advice. I am so sorry to hear that your ex left. Wow, that must've been hard. Take care. Daisy

 

[Redneck052]

Daisy,

I have to agree, give your BF a little time and room.

For some, they feel the only ones that would understand them, are the ones that were with them.  Decompressing from any stressful event is a must.  A buddy of mine said that AF was the most horrific experience that he has ever had.  And he didn't know what do, he hang out with his buddies, talked to some 'key' people, and now he has volunteered to go back again.

His W is very supportive, and with help from her military wife friends, she has learned to give space.  But most of all, being there for him when he "comes-around".

I believe your BF will in time.  All the best.

 

[aesop081]

Hate to be then one to burst the little hug fest but, because i've seen it before.......have you given any consideration to the possibility that returning from tour was just an excuse for being distant ?  I've seen it before with troops returning from tour...guy goes away.. ......no trying to be an ass here but it happens.......guy goes away, fgures out that this relationship thing isnt for him.....see what i am getting at ?

edited because of the stupid touchpad on my laptop........