Girlfriend of a soldier needs opinions...

[UKjen]

Hi there, I'm new here.... and just hoping to get some opinions on my very confusing and painful situation.  My boyfriend is in the army and has been in the Middle East for the past few months.  We are both in our early 30s, and haven't been together that long but we're very close. We're planning on living together when he returns in a couple of months, and the last time we spoke on MSN (with webcams which was soooooo nice) about 6 weeks ago everything seemed fine, as we were still missing each other very much...

But then to my utter horror and complete shock, I recently received an email from him saying that I'd be better off without him, that he can't give me what I deserve and that I need someone who can be there for me.  I know he hasn't met anyone else out there, he's just not that kind of person.  I emailed him back and asked him if he's just lost interest in me but he replied no, he still loves me and that I mean the world to him and always will, but that he doesn't think that's enough anymore and that I deserve more.  I am absolutely devastated, and because I can't just pick up the phone and call him, I can't get any more details out of him so I don't know what to think. 

Is this sort of thing common with soldiers who are overseas???  I believe him when he says he still loves me, and I know he would never cheat on me, so this just doesn't make sense to me.  I can't emphasize enough how well things were going with us before I received that last email.  So I just can't understand what is going through his head now.  I guess I could try to accept that he really is just thinking about my needs and sacrificing his own for my sake, but I'm having a hard time believing that and think there must be something else going on.

I almost wish I could talk to his friends out there to get the real story.  Has anyone here ever heard of this sort of thing?  Is it common for soldiers who are away from home to feel hopeless about their long-distance relationships and to just dump their girlfriends before they can be dumped themselves?  Is there a high rate of depression among soldiers who are away on long tours?   

I feel like an idiot asking complete strangers on the internet for their opinions on this but I honestly don't have anyone else to talk to about this because I don't know anyone else in the army.  I thought I was being the ideal, supportive army girlfriend and then I get this bomb dropped on me and I just can't make any sense of it.  Your opinions would be greatly appreciated!

Jen

 

[ERIK2RCR]

It's just an opinion, mind you, and i'm certanly not Dr. Phil, but he probably is just a little down, and wants you to tell him just how perfect he is for you, and how you'd wait untill the end of time for him to come back, rather than be with someone else. We have ALOT of time to think about things overseas, and he probably has himself half convinced that what he said is true.

 

[mover1]

I did the exact same thing on my tour. but thats because I was a total douche bag. (Sorry Tanya)

Anywho... depending on where he is at or the situation he is in, I, we, can only speculate.

Try writing him a god's honest letter, no mushy love stuff but in a firm but understanding tone.....and not by e-mail, write a letter, they are much more personal.

Dear  xxxx

      I am a little disturbed at what is going on. I thought we had a future but apparently you think we don't. Please don't try to soften the blow by giving me any of the "I mean the world to you and always will, but that you doesn't think that's enough anymore and that I deserve more." We are both grown adults and I deserve better than that.
    Just tell me the real truth. I will still be here when you need me. ........

Love
UK jen

 

[DG-41]

Actually, you've come to the right place to ask for this sort of advice.

Something you have to understand is that soldiering is long periods of utter boredom, occasionally interrupted by brief periods of excitement or terror.

But for the most part, it's boredom. And when you are a long way from home, in some godforsaken place that seems like the asshole of the universe (like Wainwright ) and it's O-Dark-Stupid in the morning, and you're on sentry duty... well, the mind has to occupy itself somehow; so you get to thinking a lot.

And typically, you think about the things you care about most - and the thoughts you think wind up being coloured by how you're feeling. One's imagination can wander into strange and irrational places in the wee hours of the morning. The puppy that lives in your midbrain isn't the most logical creature. Fears and insecurities have a way of peculating around in there and taking on a life of their own.

So it's safe to say that he's been thinking about you. What's harder to nail down is WHAT he has been thinking about you, and when, and why.

There's a couple of common ones:

1) "Man, she's so hot and so great and this is what our life together is going to be like; me taking off for long periods and we can't see each other and that's not fair to her and I can't do that to her and I'm not worthy anyway so I'll break it off and set her free"

2) "Man, she's so hot and so great and the guys back home can see that too and they'll be on her like white on rice soon enough and there's better prospects out there than me and she won't be able to hold out forever and I don't want to come home and find out she shagged the entire rear party and all my stuff is on the front lawn so it'll be easier if I break it up now so I won't get hurt"

And variations on these themes.

I can't say for sure that that's exactly what is happening... but it's likely. Lord knows I've been there before.

So then, here's what you need to do:

1) First and formost, understand that this is what it is going to be like. If you stay together, things will probably get a little easier, but you're still going to get the occasional weird, anguished letter (or phone call or whatever) that is really the product of fear, boredom, anxiety, and loneliness, not how he really feels (the puppy talking, not him) It takes a lot of inner strength to be an Army Wife, and if you're not up for the job, then it really is better for both of you to go your separate ways. Far better this than he comes home to find out you shagged the rear party and all his stuff is on the front lawn.

2) But if you DO want to stick it out, then realize that there are going to be highs and lows. Your plan of action when he is in a low spot is to reassure his fears, to confirm that you're there for him, to let him know that you can't be gotten rid of that easily and you're in for the long haul.

3) And then the hard part - actually riding out the rough spots. It can be hard to deal with a soldier whose buddy's wife just ran off with somebody else (so now he's spooked) and the dark little voices that whisper to him late at night have him utterly, irrationally convinced that you're shagging the rear party, and what was supposed to be a happy reunion phone call turns into the Spanish Inquisition and you wind up fighting instead - or any of the other thousand different scenarios that can happen. That's HARD. It HURTS.

But it also gets a LOT easier with time. Dealing with extended separation from your loved ones is a learned skill, and they don't teach it on any courses.

It sounds like you really do care, so I advise you to stick it out, at least until he gets home and you can talk face to face. I also advise you NOT to get confrontational (no matter how hurt and angry you might be right now) because that'll just make things worse. "Hey buddy, you're not going to get rid of me that easily. I'm here for the long haul, so you'd better get used to it. What's going on? What's wrong? Talk to me babe" is a better tone to shoot for.

I hope I haven't scared you off. Relationships with soldiers can have their rough spots, but the high spots tend to be really, really good if the fit is good. Ca vaut le mal, le.

Good luck.

DG

 

[Guy. E]

Wow, thats almost EXACTLEY what I have been thinking about the past week before I go to boot camp and Borden for about a year and a half...

More like this:

"Man, she's so hot and so great and and has this shit assed parasite too lazy to work boy friend. I care for her, I would do anything I can for her but me taking off for long periods of time and we can't see each other and that's not fair to her and I can't do that to her and I'm not worthy anyway so I don't know what I will do. I will go to boot camp and just go...

 

[muffin]

RecceDG - that is (from an Army Wife's point of view) really well said

Communication is KEY in any realtionship - especially a military one.
It is hard sometimes to know there are things my hubby is seeing/doing/etc that he can't discuss with me - I call that the "stuff"...

"Hey hon, what did you do today?" "Stuff"
"Anything exciting happen over there today" "Oh just stuff"
"You ok - you sound a little bummed out" "It's ok - it's just you know... stuff"

But I realise that if he needs to talk something out with someone - he will go for a beer with the guys or something ... and that is ok too.

Those "feelings of guilt" they all get from time to time (Why is she still with me - this so unfair to her her and the kids - why does she put up with this) are almost impossible to get rid of completely - but I try my best to let the hubby know that I am proud of him  and I stand by him 100% whatever it is he does and where ever he goes. I think - after 9 years  - he is finally starting to believe me

... and Guy.E..... hang in there fella - it will be ok

 

[UKjen]

Thanks so much you guys, I can't tell you how much your replies are helping.  I'm so relieved to know that this sort of thing does happen quite a bit because it makes me feel that we might get through this.  A few days after I received the break up email, I did write him a very calm, rational email telling him how I was feeling, how much he means to me, why we should be together, and that if he doesn't smarten up I'll fly out there, track him down and smack some sense into him (that part was obviously a joke).  And now I'm waiting to hear back from him. 

Anyway, thanks again to everyone who replied, I really appreciate the support.

 

[laura18]

Hey.. My fiancé just joined the Canadian Forces. This whole situation must be very stressful for you. It's hard being so far away and having so little communication. But it sounds like it's normal for a guy to think the way he is thinking... Hopefully your email will help him realize that you are willing to wait for him while he is away.. Good luck with your situation!
Cheers!

 

[UKjen]

Thanks Laura, and good luck with your fiance.

 

[zipperhead_cop]

Actually, you've come to the right place to ask for this sort of advice.

Something you have to understand is that soldiering is long periods of utter boredom, occasionally interrupted by brief periods of excitement or terror.

But for the most part, it's boredom. And when you are a long way from home, in some godforsaken place that seems like the asshole of the universe (like Wainwright ) and it's O-Dark-Stupid in the morning, and you're on sentry duty... well, the mind has to occupy itself somehow; so you get to thinking a lot.

And typically, you think about the things you care about most - and the thoughts you think wind up being coloured by how you're feeling. One's imagination can wander into strange and irrational places in the wee hours of the morning. The puppy that lives in your midbrain isn't the most logical creature. Fears and insecurities have a way of peculating around in there and taking on a life of their own.

So it's safe to say that he's been thinking about you. What's harder to nail down is WHAT he has been thinking about you, and when, and why.

There's a couple of common ones:

1) "Man, she's so hot and so great and this is what our life together is going to be like; me taking off for long periods and we can't see each other and that's not fair to her and I can't do that to her and I'm not worthy anyway so I'll break it off and set her free"

2) "Man, she's so hot and so great and the guys back home can see that too and they'll be on her like white on rice soon enough and there's better prospects out there than me and she won't be able to hold out forever and I don't want to come home and find out she shagged the entire rear party and all my stuff is on the front lawn so it'll be easier if I break it up now so I won't get hurt"

And variations on these themes.

I can't say for sure that that's exactly what is happening... but it's likely. Lord knows I've been there before.

So then, here's what you need to do:

1) First and formost, understand that this is what it is going to be like. If you stay together, things will probably get a little easier, but you're still going to get the occasional weird, anguished letter (or phone call or whatever) that is really the product of fear, boredom, anxiety, and loneliness, not how he really feels (the puppy talking, not him) It takes a lot of inner strength to be an Army Wife, and if you're not up for the job, then it really is better for both of you to go your separate ways. Far better this than he comes home to find out you shagged the rear party and all his stuff is on the front lawn.

2) But if you DO want to stick it out, then realize that there are going to be highs and lows. Your plan of action when he is in a low spot is to reassure his fears, to confirm that you're there for him, to let him know that you can't be gotten rid of that easily and you're in for the long haul.

3) And then the hard part - actually riding out the rough spots. It can be hard to deal with a soldier whose buddy's wife just ran off with somebody else (so now he's spooked) and the dark little voices that whisper to him late at night have him utterly, irrationally convinced that you're shagging the rear party, and what was supposed to be a happy reunion phone call turns into the Spanish Inquisition and you wind up fighting instead - or any of the other thousand different scenarios that can happen. That's HARD. It HURTS.

But it also gets a LOT easier with time. Dealing with extended separation from your loved ones is a learned skill, and they don't teach it on any courses.

It sounds like you really do care, so I advise you to stick it out, at least until he gets home and you can talk face to face. I also advise you NOT to get confrontational (no matter how hurt and angry you might be right now) because that'll just make things worse. "Hey buddy, you're not going to get rid of me that easily. I'm here for the long haul, so you'd better get used to it. What's going on? What's wrong? Talk to me babe" is a better tone to shoot for.

I hope I haven't scared you off. Relationships with soldiers can have their rough spots, but the high spots tend to be really, really good if the fit is good. Ca vaut le mal, le.

Good luck.

DG

You pass on all that A-list material to Konrad?

 

[UKjen]

Well it's officially over.  He won't change his mind, we simply can't be together because of his work and that's that.  There are some more complicated details that I can't get into on this forum but the bottom line is that I have absolutely no say in this, he has decided on his own that this is best for me and there's nothing I can say or do to change his mind.  I have to say, when I eventually do get over him, if I ever meet another soldier I will run in the other direction as fast as I can.  I have never been so hurt in all my life.

 

[littlebug]

UKjen, I hear ya and totally understand the pain you are in.  Very recently I had an end to what may have been nothing more to a friendship, now I'll never know.  We didn't know each other all that long, but there was still a connection.  He's over in Afghanistan right now, and has cut me out.  I don't understand why and it doesn't seem fair.  He's not talking to me at all right now, and that hurts more than anything.  I'm trying my best to be understanding, and have given him plenty of oppurtunities to let me know what was going on, but the only response I get is silence.  What is the most painful is knowing that I have lost a friend and that as of right now there is no sense of closure.

My advice, as given to me by my friends, is to have one good cry, then don't let yourself feel bad about it anymore.  You are worthy of a relationship with anyone, soldier or otherwise.

Maybe knowing you are not alone in your feelings will help to.

 

[DG-41]

Well, I truly am sorry to hear that.

I tend to be optimistic about these situations, because I've been lucky enough to have been there and have it work out, and that colours my expectations of such things.

But, truth be told, I've had my share of train wrecks too. Sadly, that's part of behing human. And you're quite right that it hurts. It hurts even when you saw the train wreck coming miles away.

The hurt will eventually go away though; you can take that to the bank.

Good luck.

SG

 

[GO!!!]

Well it's officially over.  He won't change his mind, we simply can't be together because of his work and that's that.  There are some more complicated details that I can't get into on this forum but the bottom line is that I have absolutely no say in this, he has decided on his own that this is best for me and there's nothing I can say or do to change his mind.  I have to say, when I eventually do get over him, if I ever meet another soldier I will run in the other direction as fast as I can.  I have never been so hurt in all my life.

See?

It is crap like this that gives young uniforms a bad rap.

Try looking at things a different way Jen.

Your man is a, oh, let's say an offshore oil driller who is off in the North Sea for a month at a time, drilling for oil. The identical circumstances take place, and he gives you the heave-ho. Would you run at the sight of another oil industry worker? Of course not.

Or...

I dated a british girl once, and she broke my heart, so whenever I hear a limey accent now I run for the hills - pretty foolish - right?

You broke up with a man, not a uniform - they are not one in the same.

 

[Ed Gagnon]

Hi UKJen,

Hang in there...it ain't over yet!  Wait till your boyfriend comes home and gets back to normal.  He may have emailed you and ended it but that may well change. He must truly love you if he doesn't want to put you through the "military life."  If you both love each other you can get through anything.

My own philosophy (and I can't understand anyone who doesn't feel the same way) is that if you really, really want something, you will do anything in the world to get it.  Dammit Jen, if you truly want this guy don't sit back and whine about...get in there and go get him.  He is going through a tough time now and probably can't explain it being so far away.   Once he gets back to this world and you, he will come back to his senses and see the light.  Don't give up so easy...nothing worth having and keeping comes easy.  The military life is not easy but it is a good life once you get past the initial challenges.  I have often said to myself "Well I guess he/she didn't really want that too much as they didn't do much to get or keep it."

Don't give up...it is so hard to find someone you can hang with that you don't want to let them go that easily.

Good luck,

Ed Gagnon

 

[Kirkhill]

FWIW Jen, I'm with Ed.

PS I'm not sure but I think GO!!! may be trying to put his oar in.

Cheers.

What a bunch of hopeless romantics we are.

 

[UKjen]

Thanks for the support guys.

"My own philosophy (and I can't understand anyone who doesn't feel the same way) is that if you really, really want something, you will do anything in the world to get it.  Dammit Jen, if you truly want this guy don't sit back and whine about...get in there and go get him." 

I completely agree Ed, and if I knew where he was I would literally go and find him and make him look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.  Which I know he could never do in person.  Of course he would flip out on me for going to such a dangerous part of the world but I would just say, "Oh well, your fault - you shouldn't have dumped me for such a lame reason you big geek." 

But I can't go out there and find him.  And unfortunately I can't just wait for him to come home and then talk to him in person because we live in two different countries.  My home was GOING to be his country, but now I have no reason to move there, so I won't even know when he's back home.  There's nothing I can do but email him, and all of my emails so far have had no impact on him. 

It's too bad he didn't just say, "You know, I'm sorry but I've just lost my feelings for you, I'm just not interested anymore, sorry..." because that would have hurt like hell but at least then I'd have NO interest in being with someone who isn't in to me.  But for him to tell me that this is all about his job, that he loves me and that I will always mean the world to him.... talk about psychological torture!

GO, I'm sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention.  I should have censored my thoughts when I was writing my post but I can't say that I do not mean what I wrote.  The difference between the examples you gave and my situation is that -- according to my boyfriend -- our break up is a direct result of him being in the army.  I know that I can't paint all soldiers with the same brush and I would never do that (my dad fought in WW 2 and he is nothing like my bf)  but I do know now from experience that being in a relationship with a soldier is very difficult.  And I was not complaining about the difficulties, I was dealing with it all just fine until his work actually caused our relationship to end. 

I really respect my boyfriend (can't even imagine calling him my "ex") for what he does and I am so proud of him and know that what he is doing is having a positive impact on the world and honestly, I think every man I meet from now on will be so excruciatingly dull compared to him, but I don't see how I could possibly get involved with another soldier and not expect the same thing to happen.  And I know that if I did end up with another soldier, after what I've just been through my bf would say "Are you crazy???"  And so would my dad! 

But that's just me, and hopefully other women will realize how lucky they are to meet a guy in uniform.  But if they are reluctant to get involved with you guys, try to cut them some slack because they're probably just trying to protect themselves from a broken heart.

Speaking of broken hearts... littlebug, I'm sorry about what you've gone through.  If you haven't heard from him at all, it's possible that he just hasn't had access to the internet for a long time.  We can only guess what it's like out there.  Or maybe he's also trying to protect you, who knows.  Take care.

 

[Ed Gagnon]

UKJen,

All things come to she who waits.  As the old drill Sergeant used to say "Waaait for itttt!!!"    Whose Army is this guy in?

Ed

 

[UKjen]

So I shouldn't fly out there and stalk him down?  But I thought.... you said...

 

[Ed Gagnon]

Jen,

No don't fly out there and see him.  Wait for him and let time take its course.  He will return to normal once he gets back on the ground.  Just wait...don't run off with some pencil neck geek or something like that.  Just let this guy come home and then he will come around.  Just don't give up.  He is going through a tough time and needs time to think.  It is hard being away and he feels bad that he is puting you through this separation thing and feels that you are much too nice a person to be potentially put through this every couple of years.  This potential separation bothers him. 

Just email him and tell him that you still love him and are there for him and that you will be here when he comes back no matter what.  It will all work out.  Just be patient.

Good luck,

Ed