Cheated on while at Basic

[Thrones]

Not sure if anyone remembers me from about 14 weeks back. I was worried about my husband cheating on me while away at basic.

Turns out that he did. We've decided to TRY and work things out. Once things are arranged he is moving my son and I to Gagetown so we can properly give things a better chance. My question is does the MFRC or anything like that offer couples councelling?

Also, does anyone just have some advice in general? Maybe someone who has been through it.

Thanks in advance for any info you can give me.

 

[OldSolduer]

Each MFRC operates a bit different, but generally they can get you counselling or refer you.

Sorry to hear of your dilemma.

 

[Michael OLeary]

To all,

Since this is a personal and sensitive subject, serious replies only, and I suggest you communicate by Personal Message.  Please note that it you do so in a less than polite manner and it is reported to staff, you will start fairly high on the warning ladder.

Milnet.ca Staff

 

[Thrones]

I was able to find some info, Gagetown health services offers couples therapy. I guess I was just searching the wrong word.

But still, any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

 

[mover1]

I don't know what your faith is or if you do go to church or anything like that. However the padres offices can be a good start if not an end to your search for couples therapy.  They usually have all the answers if you can't get in touch with anyone at the MFRC.  And if your not the godly type they are still and excellent source for councelling.

Stay strong, work hard at it (this wont be easy) and remember that in this day and age where we live in a fast food society with instant gratification we are quick to dipose of things rather than fix what broke.
Don't fall for this line of thinking.
Your efforts to save your marrage and your husbands willingness to go to counselling are commendable. Please keep us posted as to what services yuo find in Gagetown and how you two made out
Cheers

 

[owa]

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is do you want to fix things with him?

You should also think about how capable you are of forgiving this type of discretion.

I know I am bad for holding grudges, and having a problem letting go.  It isn't always that bad, but it can be a problem.  I can forgive someone up until a point, but to me, cheating is always going to be a "deal breaker".  I am not you, obviously, and I'm not in the same situation as you.

All I can really think of is that you need to be capable of forgiveness and you need to make sure you do want to fix the problems with him.  If you can't forgive (I don't mean completely trust him again), and if you are unsure about your willingness to stick with him after this, then you should figure those two things out before you really move forward.

But that's just my view.  I've been known to be a bit stupid, so don't take it as the word of God

Sorry to hear though, I hope it all works out for you!

 

[Alea]

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is do you want to fix things with him?

You should also think about how capable you are of forgiving this type of discretion.

I know I am bad for holding grudges, and having a problem letting go.  It isn't always that bad, but it can be a problem.  I can forgive someone up until a point, but to me, cheating is always going to be a "deal breaker".  I am not you, obviously, and I'm not in the same situation as you.

All I can really think of is that you need to be capable of forgiveness and you need to make sure you do want to fix the problems with him.  If you can't forgive (I don't mean completely trust him again), and if you are unsure about your willingness to stick with him after this, then you should figure those two things out before you really move forward.

But that's just my view.  I've been known to be a bit stupid, so don't take it as the word of God

Sorry to hear though, I hope it all works out for you!

She did state very clearly that she and her husband both want to work it out and are even ready to go through couple therapy. And all she needs now is positive advices.

Alea

 

[aesop081]

And all she needs now is positive advices.

Or you can call a spade, a spade. It is good to hear things from more than one point of view.

 

[Alea]

Or you can call a spade, a spade. It is good to hear things from more than one point of view.

And knowing the facts already, we can assume that they have spoken about trust, forgiveness etc... other wise, I guess they would not make this decision of getting counselling in order to fix things.
That is for them to decide.

All she is asking is referrals as to how and if then can get the help from the CF.
She has been answered in that matter.

:nod:
Alea

 

[aesop081]

And knowing the facts already, we can assume that they have spoken about trust, forgiveness etc... other wise, I guess they would not make this decision of getting counselling in order to fix things.

I got divorced after BS like this so its not like i dont know what i am talking about.

That is for them to decide.

I never said otherwise. What i did say is that it doesnt hurt to hear opinions different points of view if one is to come to clear conclusions.

But ehy...what do i know.

 

[Scott]

Alea,

The OP said this:

I was able to find some info, Gagetown health services offers couples therapy. I guess I was just searching the wrong word.

But still, any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

"Any advice at all", to me, falls in line with what CA was saying.

Now with that bunfight over we can get back to the thread. And all can note Michael's advice earlier - keep it to PM's if you can.

Scott
Army.ca Staff

 

[owa]

She did state very clearly that she and her husband both want to work it out and are even ready to go through couple therapy. And all she needs now is positive advices.

Alea

I know what she said.

I just think it's very important that she isn't just saying the right things, she has to feel that way too.  So I recommended she really think about all that and make sure it is what she wants (and for the right reasons too).  If you go in with the attitude that you can forgive and you want to forgive, then you can work it out (assuming he's prepared too), but if you go in unsure, it could be very difficult -- more difficult then it already is.  I just know there has been times in my life where I've said I wanted to forgive something and to move on, but months after the fact it hit me and I realized I was simply holding on to something that wasn't really there anymore.

Anyway, didn't mean to derail the thread.

Like I said before, I hope you are able to get everything worked out for you and your family!

 

[Occam]

Also, consider the CF Member Assistance Program.



What is your Member Assistance Program?
It is a voluntary and confidential service, initiated by the Canadian Forces (CF) to help members (Regular Force, all Reserve Class Members, Cadets) and family members who have personal concerns that affect their personal well-being and/or work performance.

Call us for a confidential talk.
If we can't help, we know someone who can.
24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

1-800-268-7708
(Teletypewriter) 1-800-567-5803

Offered by the Employee Assistance Services of Health Canada
in partnership with the Canadian Forces

What types of concerns?
marital and family
interpersonal relations
personal and emotional
stress and burn-out
work-related, including harassment and sexual assault
alcohol, drugs and prescription drugs
Any other concerns that affect or could affect personal well-being and/or work performance.

 

[TimBit]

Not sure if anyone remembers me from about 14 weeks back. I was worried about my husband cheating on me while away at basic.

Turns out that he did. We've decided to TRY and work things out. Once things are arranged he is moving my son and I to Gagetown so we can properly give things a better chance. My question is does the MFRC or anything like that offer couples councelling?

Also, does anyone just have some advice in general? Maybe someone who has been through it.

Thanks in advance for any info you can give me.

All I can offer is this:
Unfortunately people on military courses tend to live the "course bubble". You are so close to your buddies and so removed from your family that your anchors seem to shift a bit. You can sometimes lose focus on who and what really matter to you, and on that one I speak from experience. All I am trying to say is, good on you for trying to fix it, I guess this is what they mean by "for better and for worse": not because someone lost his/her head on a course that it cannot be salvaged.

Good luck!

 

[Brutus]

I would also suggest that you and your man make a conscious effort to integrate you into the CF social scene - gatherings, parties, dinners, etc. Obviously trust will be an issue for you, but you may feel a little better knowing 'who's who in the zoo'. You will make a lot of friends and I suspect you'll feel more comfortable when he has to attend a social gathering without you if you are also friends with his friends and their wives/girlfriends.

I am sorry you and your family are having to endure this. Good luck.

 

[Thrones]

Thank you for all of the replies. Any advice at all is appreciated, and I do mean any 

Just a quick update for those that asked. All of the details came to surface. It was more than just cheating, it was an actual affair. Physical and emotional. Things went south pretty quickly once that came to light. He pushed, I shoved, and he decided he was no longer in love with me and wanted to be with the other woman. He came home 2 weekends ago to see our son, and I'm not too sure what happened, but before heading back to base he told me that he wanted to try and work things out with me.

So, she is now completely out of the picture, I once again (as I always had) have access to any accounts he has online, and he is checking in with me without me asking for it.

Things seem to be heading in the right direction, but we are both aware that there is still a lot of work to do, and that it's going to take a while to heal. We still plan on counseling, but it looks like a move to Gagetown wont be happening any time soon due to having to do it all out of pocket, and counseling can't happen until we are actually together. I'm considering going to counseling on my own, just to help me with how all of this has affected my image of myself, and to help me deal a little better.

 

[captloadie]

If and when you both decide to attend couples counselling, take the time to decide on where you want to go in order receive the counselling. There are advantages and disadvantages to the 4 main options:
1) Padre - confidential and free, but may be uncomfortable if you both don't have a religious back ground;
2) Base Social Worker - free, but may end up affecting the short term career of your husband. Yes it is confidential on what you say, but if your man needs to screen for anything (deployment, posting, course, etc.) it will likely come up that he is attending counselling. This may inhibit him from being open with the counsellor, if he puts a higher priority on his career than his relationship
3) CFMAP - as written by Occam, this is a very good option, as it is free, outside the influence of the chain of command, and usually with a civilian agency. The down side is they sometimes don't always understand all the dynamics of the military, unless they have worked with many military personnel previously.
4) Civilian agency - it will cost you (although some municipalities have funded programs), but it severs all ties with the military establishment, which may ease any concerns you or he may have with impacting his career.

But most important of all, you have to find someone who you can work with and be comfortable with. If you are uncomfortable or dislike your counsellor after a few sessions, it is unlikely you make any progress.

I hope you work it out, or at least find happiness.

 

[acooper]

I don't envy the situation your husband has put you in, Thrones. Your husband may nor may not want to do couples counselling when you are physically together again. In the meantime, going to counselling yourself is a VERY good idea. Depending on the age of your child(ren), and how much they know, counselling might be beneficial for them as well.

 

[GAP]

The one thing I would like to point out here, between all the hurt and anger, etc., is that people make mistakes, dumb mistakes......

Once the issues are sorted, put the hurt aside and move on.....DO NOT continue recriminations, it serves no purpose and just continues as a festering wound, which will doom any chance of things building from there......

 

[Thrones]

GAP: That is the plan. I am fairly good at moving on, as long as I receive answers and get some closure. Once things are dealt with, I want to put them completely behind us. Although I am certain that it's going to take a fair amount of time to completely forgive, and I'm sure I will never forget. My hope is that this will be a turning point in our relationship, that "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". We have had some issues in the past (nothing quite like this), and properly dealing with them always seemed to be put off.

acooper: Fortunately, our son just turned 2, so as long as Daddy is around like he has been, everything is great in his world

captloadie: Thank you so much for the info! Base Social Worker seems like the best option to me, but I do know that his career is his top priority right now... so that could become an issue. But then again, how it would effect him probably wouldn't even cross his mind.