Spouse's Concerns

[Strategic]

I recently went to talk with a recruiter with my wife about joining the forces. We found out all the information I could want to know about joining. The one thing we could not find out about was military life after you were in. My wife expresses concerns about me joining if I have to leave or when we do have kids that I will miss their birthdays/Christmas.

There must be some married /parents in the forces that have to deal with these situations. Would you be able to enlighten me on how you deal with it. Or what I could help say to ease my wife's concerns.

Thanks!

 

[Jarnhamar]

You'll be hard pressed to find an answer. Everyone is different. Some people can handle being away from their spouses while it makes others sick. It depends ont he type of relationship you have with your better half. I've been going away every summer for 9 years including a few year long periods where I was away and we're perfectly fine.  To be honest we find that if I'm home too long we start to get on each others nerves (read: I get on her nerves).

Can't say much about kids since my wife and I don't have any.  Considering the state of the economy and how hard it is to find jobs/medical and dental plans etc.. the military is a seriously good way to go.

 

[Bert]

If entering the military, one has to expect that courses, taskings and deployments will take the
member from the familiy from time to time.  My wife and I balance the separation woes with
the ability to save money.  She was accepting but unhappy with my recent tour.  We were
able to pack away a nice lump of cash for RRSPs and savings and to her that was an acceptable
trade-off.  It will always be a balance of things.

 

[Spartan]

It struck me kind of interesting when I asked about an information package - that would cover overall things to expect with respect to life after you join - aimed at your other, at CFRC - that this doesn't exist. I would think that this would be another tool a recruiter/CFRC could utilize in convincing those who are hesistant to join up because of family/other/etc. It could also be utilized by the potential applicant in discussions with their other, if their other isn't fully set on a military lifestyle.

 

[George Wallace]

Spartan

Well, there is an old saying:   "If the Army had meant you to have a wife, they would have issued you one."

The CF is 'Recruiting' you; not your Girl friend, not your Wife, not your Family.   Those are all things that you will have time for later, not on Basic.  

If you got a job anywhere else, would you get the same considerations?

 

[Roy Harding]

I recently went to talk with a recruiter with my wife about joining the forces. We found out all the information I could want to know about joining. The one thing we could not find out about was military life after you were in. My wife expresses concerns about me joining if I have to leave or when we do have kids that I will miss their birthdays/Christmas.

There must be some married /parents in the forces that have to deal with these situations. Would you be able to enlighten me on how you deal with it. Or what I could help say to ease my wife's concerns.

Thanks!

My wife and I raised three sons while we were both in the Service.  (We're retired now).  I missed more birthdays than I can count, three Christmas's that I recall, and my wife missed a couple of birthdays in her time too (I deployed more often than her).

Our three sons are now a Mechanical Engineer, a Psychiatrist, and an R.N. (working toward an MD).  I've spoken to each of them, as I have some regrets regarding missing "family time", and not just "being there".

Each of them told me that although I was not always physically present, my "presence" was always there - they knew that I was contributing to something larger than just our family - they were proud of my contribution, and took my example as a model for their own lives.

I'm proud of all of them, and I'm proud that they took my service as an amplification of my dedication to them, not a subtraction from it.

Everybody's circumstances are different - how your own situation will work out, I cannot tell.  However - giving your offspring an example to live up to is not a bad aim.

Your call.

 

[NavComm]

Roy, congratulations on raising successful children and having a wonderful spouse! Your message rings very true to me. At my ripe age of 46 (45 when I signed up) I decided to join the navy. I talked to my family about my decision. They were totally supportive -   albeit I am only going reserve, I will still spend many months (and weekends) away from them during my training.

I think what you say is very true if you have good communications with your loved ones. IMO successful relationships and unconditional love come from allowing each of us to be our own selves. By you and your wife setting the example, you allowed your own children to decide what they wanted to do with their lives.

As an aside, my mother was widowed at an early age, raised three children on her own and they are now : 1) railway worker 30+years, 2) railway engineer 25+ years and 3) clerical worker 20+ years, now a proud member of the Canadian Forces. My Mom is very proud of all three. She never misses an opportunity to let us all know how proud she is. To me, it's a reflection of her convictions and the wonderful hardworking example she set, that contributes to our success.

edit: spelling

 

[Strategic]

I appreciate all the replies and info you have relayed to me. If anyone has any other advice to share please do so.

I have no problem with leaving but my wife is concerned with me missing out. I found out that the trainer at my work is retired  from the forces. He said he would be happy to speak with me and my wife to address her concerns. He is even going to bring his wife so she can relate first hand.

Thanks!

 

[Springroll]

I am going to echo what Ghost778 said. It really depends on the particular family.

I met my husband when he was on his QL3 course and I already had a 3 year old son. Now we have 3 kids ages 11, 7 and 4. We have based our relationship on communication and making sure our children know that when daddy is home, we have the best times we can. We also make sure that we display our love for each other in front of the kids. Nothing too drastic, just kisses, cuddles on the couch, that sort of thing.

My husband has a hard job as it is, and too make it easier on him, I do my best to make every trip as positive of an experience as I can for the kids. I explain to them why daddy is gone, how important it is that he is gone, and I explain to them that he is a hero and without him and other kid's parents before us, we would not be able to enjoy the freedoms that we do have. I make the chats age appropriate and always accept feedback from them. Of course, the kids always love when daddy brings something home for them. His last trip was out to Faslane, Scotland, to accompany the Chicoutimi, and he brought back a rock from the beach there and gave it to our oldest son. Our son now keeps his "scottish" rock on the shelf at the head of his bed. He said it was the best gift he ever got even though he got a couple cool trinkets from Cork, Ireland and other places that my husband has visited.

There will always be hard times for her and the kids, but as long as your wife is able to provide the comfort that the kids need at the time, and make sure she gets a bit of "mommy time" everything will work out.

 

[tourwife]

Our three sons are now a Mechanical Engineer, a Psychiatrist, and an R.N. (working toward an MD).   I've spoken to each of them, as I have some regrets regarding missing "family time", and not just "being there".

Each of them told me that although I was not always physically present, my "presence" was always there - they knew that I was contributing to something larger than just our family - they were proud of my contribution, and took my example as a model for their own lives.

I'm proud of all of them, and I'm proud that they took my service as an amplification of my dedication to them, not a subtraction from it.

Everybody's circumstances are different - how your own situation will work out, I cannot tell.   However - giving your offspring an example to live up to is not a bad aim.

Your call.
[/quote]
Well said, and as a military wife, with children, we can totally agree.

 

[Strategic]

Thank you for all your repplies you have given some good insight to my situation. I guess its a little sacarry entering new exspearience or the unknown.

Thanks!

 

[FastEddy]

Spartan

Well, there is an old saying:   "If the Army had meant you to have a wife, they would have issued you one."

The CF is 'Recruiting' you; not your Girl friend, not your Wife, not your Family.   Those are all things that you will have time for later, not on Basic.  

If you got a job anywhere else, would you get the same considerations?

Every now and then you see or read something that warms the Cockells of your Heart.

George, you just made my day, I was beginning to think I was marching to a different drummer.

Spartan, it may sound harsh, but in my day, if I had taken my Mother/Girlfriend to the Recruiting Depot,
they would have told me I had the wrong building, the Ballet was next door.

Cheers.

 

[Izzie]

Here's the view from the kids' point of view. I was the child in a military family (mom, dad), for all my life.  We moved every three years, all across Canada.  It is hard for kids to adapt like that, but it makes them stronger more developed people in the end.  I made friends all across Canada, some of which I still have contact with to this day.  I don't have any regrets whatsoever about my childhood.  Today, I myself am following in my parents' footsteps and engaging a military career.  I am glad that I had the introduction to military life that I did, or I would not be on the path I am today.  Just a thought.

 

[GO!!!]

Here's the view from the kids' point of view. I was the child in a military family (mom, dad), for all my life.  We moved every three years, all across Canada.  It is hard for kids to adapt like that, but it makes them stronger more developed people in the end.  I made friends all across Canada, some of which I still have contact with to this day.  I don't have any regrets whatsoever about my childhood.  Today, I myself am following in my parents' footsteps and engaging a military career.  I am glad that I had the introduction to military life that I did, or I would not be on the path I am today.  Just a thought.

Wow that's hardcore - I only joined up! 

 

[Cansky]

Well I'm a service wife and I'm a soldier.  I have 3 girls, 7, 5, 1 years old.  I had a Sgt tell me not long after my first daughter was born ( I was a Cpl then).  "There will be hard times ahead.  Long periods away but always remember its the quality not the quantity that you spend with your family"  I have lived by that, I went to Afghanistan in 02, and am now a Sgt.  My one daughter had a very traumatic injury when she was 3 (doing well now) but the other daughter handles all changes as if it is just another bump in the road, and tomorrow is a new day. I'm presently getting ready to go to Germany and the kids only comment is bring us something cool.  So remember that love your spouse and kids, let them know everyday they matter. Enjoy the job, but go home to them and make them feel that when you are there, you are there with them.
Hope this all helps.
Kirsten

 

[Good2Golf]

My wife jokes about only having to share the bed with our three cats while I'm away...guess we'll be getting a king-sized when I get back... ;D

Strategic, if you are in a town with a base, go and visit the MFRC ( Miltary Family Resource Centre -- start getting used to acronyms  ) and see what services theywould  provide, both for you and your wife, and for kids if/when you have tem.

We've found that communication is very important...getting a good heads up on things and discussing what they mean for you guys as a team will do wonders for dealing with the curve balls that life in general will supply you and military life will specifically.

Best of luck.

Cheers,
Duey

 

[GO!!!]

Every now and then you see or read something that warms the Cockells of your Heart.

George, you just made my day, I was beginning to think I was marching to a different drummer.

Spartan, it may sound harsh, but in my day, if I had taken my Mother/Girlfriend to the Recruiting Depot,
they would have told me I had the wrong building, the Ballet was next door.

Cheers.

Fast eddy, I 100% agree.

This is a job, would you bring your wife to an interview anywhere else?

She is not joining the army, neither are your kids. You are. They are just following you to a new location.

If you are the type of man who cannot be seperated from the house for a few months, seek employment elsewhere. The first few years in the military are specifically geared towards 17-21 year olds, you will have difficulty, especially with a family on the phone every day.

IME, the military breaks weak people and weak relationships, so if you are having doubts now, think where you will be when you are collapsing into bed every day at 11:00 just to rise at 5:00 the next day - and your wife is bit**ing at you to call every night, or when you get your 10 minute weekly phone call home, and it gets cut short because the bad guys start mortaring the camp.

Wives are camp followers, unless they are in the military themselves - so unless she is 100% behind you - give it up.

 

[DanielleAnne]

What about husbands? I am going to join and I always hear about army wifes but what about the Husbands? What should they expect? If my husband joins as well how will we care for our children (we have no other family)? there are some valid questions here and I am sure that MOST of us realize that the army is recruiting us not our spouses.

 

[armyvern]

What about husbands? I am going to join and I always hear about army wifes but what about the Husbands? What should they expect? If my husband joins as well how will we care for our children (we have no other family)? there are some valid questions here and I am sure that MOST of us realize that the army is recruiting us not our spouses.

My husband and I are both in the service. We have two children and we have both been away from home doing many tours, courses and fulfilling other training requirements. Both of my children adapted well to either of us being away, and are now asking when one of us will be going away again.
Childcare is an important issue for all miliatry service couples with little ones. While family is the optimal choice when in need of long-term childcare due to deployments or courses, it is not the only one. Although you have no other family, you will quickly find yourselves part of the larger CF family and all the support services that it provides.
Although both my husband and my families are wonderful, we have been to many postings to opposite ends of the country from them and most service couples with children (or serving single parents) have experienced the same.
Due to the nature of the 'military career' not even those of us with families can depend upon them being close by when last minute or long term child-care is required. In my case, my parents are quite willing to keep my children during any long-term requirements; however, my spouse and I found it less disruptive to the kids not to do this as it would have entailed both their mom and dad being away and them temporarily leaving their trusted friends and schools. Instead, we had trusted friends look after them, left them in their current schools with their friends around, and my parents visited as often as possible. We talked to them on the phone as often as we could, wrote letters, e-mailed (& now chat!!) and sent little care-packages back and forth. In the end, it all worked out well and the kids did well in school and adjusted nicely. Again, it is not preferred to be seperated, but sometimes it is required.
You will need to find the right solution for you and your family.

I am attaching the link to the Gagetwon MFRC for anyone interested in a sampling of what they have to offer:

http://www.mfrcgagetown.nb.ca/english/index.asp

 

[GO!!!]

What about husbands? I am going to join and I always hear about army wifes but what about the Husbands?

I find these to be a tiny minority in the CF. I have no data to back it up, but I have found most women in the CF are either married to service members or "not the marrying type". As a result, I would not expect a civilian husband to be very well recieved at the MFRC, as they do a marginal job (here in edmonton anyway) of supporting the spouses of deployed troops.

Your unit rear party is usually of far more assistance to spouses than the MFRC, which is essentially a 9-5 business, with very little capacity or desire to work outside of this time frame.