Most everywhere in the United States, there is a law enforcement policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on public roadways when temperatures drop to single digits or below. At about one AM on a very cold morning, Montana State Trooper, Allan Nixon #658, responded to a call in which there was a car off the shoulder of the highway outside of Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck deep in snow with the engine running, and he pulled in behind it with his emergency lights on. Trooper Nixon walked to the drivers door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat next to him. The driver startled awake when Trooper Nixon tapped on the window with his flashlight. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40-50 MPH, but the car was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon - having a sense of humor - began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked out thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when Trooper Nixon yelled, "PULL OVER!" The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the Montana State Trooper who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says cops aren't funny?
My TSM sent me this, not sure what he was trying to get at.
Spend Your Money Wisely
A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000".
The man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a maroon beret, jump boots and Airborne wings. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey. "Sir, You have discovered our Paratrooper Monkeys. This one is... our Novice Paratooper version. It's got Basic Airborne School; can fire 'Expert' with a 9mm, C7 and M-203; knows Basic Combat Skills, Rules of War, First Aid and can complete any mission from direct combat to humanitarian missions. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"
The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla -- also wearing Airborne regalia, but is smoking a cigar and swearing profusely. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Warrant Officer model! This one is a Jumpmaster with Master Wings, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic and advanced combat skills, physical training, small unit tactics and is expert in responsibility and accountability! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"
Impressed, the man moves to the next cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same uniform as the others, but holding only a coffee cup.
"What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man.
The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well .... we've never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and play with his dick, but he says he's a Captain."
Yesterday I was at my local SOBEY's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10Kg's before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story). Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for you and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for. Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Moe, that was great. Heard a similar one with an alternate ending:
Dear Mr. Claus:
You have left me no choice. See the enclosed photographs taken Christmas Eve one year ago. Do you recognize the person in the red suit and white beard who appears to be in a somewhat compromising position with a woman who looks a lot like my mother?
So, that's One XBox 360, an iPhone, and $10,000 cash (small unmarked bills, non-sequential serial numbers) or I post them online.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty box's problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.
They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop; someone would walk over and yank the defective box off of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the Return on Investment of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share.
“That’s some money well spent!” – he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should have picked up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He requested an inquiry, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a cheap desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Christmas' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into the Superstore for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Sobeys.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen in November on the 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th, and this month on the 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Walmart have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each but Zellers wallets are $1.75 and look better.
Referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” this new subspecies has been created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to affect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.
Woman Number 1 is 51 yrs old. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements.
Woman Number 2 is also 51. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts... and, she washes it all down with wine!