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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can help and hurt
an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurantand noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all
of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most
frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the
kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it
right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging
Out of the waiter's crotch.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies.. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
That string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned
That we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
We can pull it out without touching it and eliminating
The need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly,
'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,
But I use the spoon.'


 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man  and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other  people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over  sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in  the upper berth and she in
the lower.

At 01:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying,...........'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully
cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for  tonight......let's pretend
that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he  exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own  f...ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence,  .........................he farted.

The  End
 
Heard this yesterday when an Officer was describing another Officer that got in at the same time as he did (early 90's), the other Officer is a Royal (no names/rank, no pack drill).

"That guy is from the era of transition, when as a Royal knew that those rocks over there needed to be painted, but they didn't know if there was enough money in the budget to do it or if they really should do it."

I nearly split my gut.
 
553810_10151128822496232_66012058_n.jpg



Do it.  You know you want to...
 
These two just crack me up, Garfunkel and Oates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMKyKS2LGyI&feature=autoplay&list=UU1R9fG_iKqvt9FIhEQH9nTA&playnext=14
 
From Military Minds on facebook:

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it

;D
 
(12) Step Program for the Military about to retire 
 
 1. Speech: 
* Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400; it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA zero-dark-thirty).
* Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout … get used to it.
* "Fuck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
* Grunting is not talking.
* It's a phone, not a radio. Conversations on a phone do not need an "over" or end with an "out". 
* People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from CTC Gagetown with the support weapons platoon or that you spent a deployment in theatre.
 
2. Style:
* Do not put creases in your jeans.
* Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
* A high and tight looks dumb, not motivating.  So does a tapered cut, but not as bad.
* A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
* You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.  
 
3. Women:
* Air Force girls are easy - very easy - not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls. 
* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first. 
* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.  
 
4. Personal Accomplishments:
* In the real world, being able to do push-ups will not make you good at your job. 
* Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen people die. 
* How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment. 
* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway, is also not a personal accomplishment.  
 
5. Drinking:
* In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you" 
* That time you drank a 26er of Jaegermeister and pissed in yourself is not a conversation starter. 
* That time you went to the combat medics course and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter...unless, of course, you are dating a medic or MO. Then it's called reminiscing.  
 
6. Bodily Functions:
* Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional". 
* The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled. 
* You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.  VD will also not be funny.
 
7. The Human Body:  
* Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.  
 
8. Spending Habits:
* You will have to pay bills.  
* Buying a $30,000 car on a $25,000 a year salary is a really bad idea. 
* Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool. 
* You will need dental insurance.
 
9. Interacting with Civilians (A.K.A.YOU):
* Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not be normal. 
  
10. Real Jobs:
* They really can fire you.
* On the flip side you really can quit.
* Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
* Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
* Remember 9-5 not 0630 to 1800 - so it is a good thing. 
 
11. The Law:
* Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
* Your workplace, unlike your unit, can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
* Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job. 
* Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.  
 
12. General knowledge:  
* You can in fact really say what you think about the Prime Minister in public.   
* Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
* People don't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
* Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.
 
Fart Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

 
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.
                 
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

  Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

  Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!
 
Here is a good Investment Opportunity
I thought you might want to consider getting on board early....
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
 
Ba-doom, chick! Thank you folks! He'll be here all week and next Sunday at the Tiki Lounge at the Tampa City Holiday Inn!
 
Pre medal parade inspection.

RSM Following the Col around,
Inspects Cpl X...........

RSM- Are those your best boots Cpl X.

Cpl X- Two pairs sir, no favourites.

Next thing Cpl X was walking very fast off to Jail.
 
Ranger Up does the Princess Bride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L2FjE0E-TY&list=UUEL5PzZ2y3ob-Ap6ondbSmg&index=5&feature=plcp
 
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