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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

GAP

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More of a dumb idea, but I couldn't find the dumb thread...... ::)

Man saws off foot to avoid work
By Reuters
Article Link

VIENNA - An unemployed Austrian man sawed his foot off, apparently to avoid being found fit to go back to work.

Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labour office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle, Austrian broadcaster ORF reported.

Bleeding profusely, the man from the province of Styria then threw the foot into an oven, hobbled to his garage and called an ambulance. An emergency operation was unable to reattach the foot, ORF said.
end
 

RememberanceDay

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GAP said:
More of a dumb idea, but I couldn't find the dumb thread...... ::)

Man saws off foot to avoid work
By Reuters
Article Link

VIENNA - An unemployed Austrian man sawed his foot off, apparently to avoid being found fit to go back to work.

Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labour office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle, Austrian broadcaster ORF reported.

Bleeding profusely, the man from the province of Styria then threw the foot into an oven, hobbled to his garage and called an ambulance. An emergency operation was unable to reattach the foot, ORF said.
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Ultimate laziness.
 

PMedMoe

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Some old, some new.....

Why Marry?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
”Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
”Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
”Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:  ”You can have mine.”
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father,
”Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don't know son, I'm still paying.”
__________

A young son asked,
”Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
__________

Then there was a woman who said, ”I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.      :nod:
__________

First guy says, “My wife's an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You're lucky, mine's still alive.”
__________

A Woman's Prayer

“Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand a man; to love and to forgive him; and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death!!”
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

;D

 

GAP

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This Is AMAZING!!!

          Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.  Until Now. 

          Below are Two Birds.. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two, Is The Female.  It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. !

                          *


                          *

                          *

                          *
Click on picture
 

211RadOp

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GAP said:
This Is AMAZING!!!

          Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.  Until Now. 

          Below are Two Birds.. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two, Is The Female.  It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. !

                          *


                          *

                          *

                          *
Click on picture

Goint out on a limb, I am going to guess the one on the right.
 

George Wallace

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For the many Daves I know:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtLL7pLM-yE







http://www.ottawacitizen.com/entertainment/Bureaucrats+video+lampoons+Ottawa+government+culture+with+video/6371817/story.html


 

Kalatzi

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So Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

 

PMedMoe

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

 

GAP

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A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 

PMedMoe

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Stress (n.): the phenomenon caused when the brain's instinctual urge to scream, curse, and throw things is combated by the body's need to put on a happy face.

:pullhair:

:nod:
 

Loachman

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http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2012/04/04/19594346.html

Drunk trio goes through carwash naked

By Derek Bedry, QMI Agency
   
A trio of drunk 20-year-olds won't face charges for going through an Abbotsford, B.C., carwash naked. (Shutterstock)

VANCOUVER - Lucky for three drunk Abbotsford, B.C., men who went naked through a carwash, their records will remain squeaky clean.

Midnight Wednesday, police responded to calls from Abbotsford residents who woke to the sounds of screams.

“Somehow (the three men) found themselves outside a car wash, and conveniently there’s a shopping cart nearby,” said Const. Ian MacDonald. “They decided it would be a really good idea to strip down and run themselves and the cart through the car wash. Need I say they were intoxicated?”

MacDonald said the trio, all 20 years old, told police they weren’t sure if they had pressed the “typhoon” or “super typhoon” setting, but “whatever they chose had the effect of pounding them with really cold water and effectively pressure-washing them.”

“They did of course experience the effects of rotating bristles and likely warm soap, but it was the water that generated the greatest reaction, which was yelling and screaming that caused the neighbours to be awoken and call police,” MacDonald said.

After making sure they were not injured and listening to their apologies for what they recognized was a poor life choice, police sent the three men home to sleep it off.

MacDonald tweeted Wednesday: “Pressure washing yourself will not increase intelligence or sobriety.”
 

Danjanou

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PMedMoe said:
And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education.  :facepalm:

I needed that Moe. 1994, 18 years ago. Alex was probably kicked out school but has ammassed a fortune running his own business. The rest of his classmates alternate between saying "would you like fries with that" and lining up for their welfare cheques. The teacher has retired on a noice indexed pension and spends her time writing comments on the CBC website.
 

PMedMoe

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JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there before him stands
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
after huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day, there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.

'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day, there's a knock at the door and, when he opens it, he
finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
 

Rifleman62

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Another great day!

Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.

I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.

I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads.

After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.

Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.

Damn, I love prison!
 

GAP

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Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.
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You'll  kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!
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Can you name the song, just by  looking at the picture?  (answer in 1 hour)
 
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