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The History of the Army
From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder.
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry.
And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".
And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun.
Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.
For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, IMP's, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink."
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying
"Lord, help us, for we are weary."
And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as the Armoured Corps.
And the Lord looked down upon the Armour and saw that it was mediocre.
The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines."
To the Armoured the Lord said "Hot dogs shall be thy food, and gravy thy drink. Touch not the sacred grub of the Infantry, save the coffee of Tim Horton's, which is my gift to all my children."
And the Infantry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying
"Lord help us, for we are weary."
And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."
Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight.
When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, willie pete."
Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.
And the Infantry, the Armour, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defence Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.
And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying
"Lord help us, for we are weary."
Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery and Air Defence Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Service Battalion. and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made National Support Element.
Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the MSE Ops. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chiefs of Land Staff.
Yea, the Lord of All filled up the Order of Battle.
And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying,
"Lord, help us, for we are weary."
And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid.
And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth Quartermasters and Service Battalion and Siggies and Transport and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying,
"Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder.
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry.
And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".
And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun.
Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.
For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, IMP's, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink."
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying
"Lord, help us, for we are weary."
And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as the Armoured Corps.
And the Lord looked down upon the Armour and saw that it was mediocre.
The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines."
To the Armoured the Lord said "Hot dogs shall be thy food, and gravy thy drink. Touch not the sacred grub of the Infantry, save the coffee of Tim Horton's, which is my gift to all my children."
And the Infantry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying
"Lord help us, for we are weary."
And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."
Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight.
When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, willie pete."
Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.
And the Infantry, the Armour, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defence Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.
And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying
"Lord help us, for we are weary."
Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery and Air Defence Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Service Battalion. and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made National Support Element.
Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the MSE Ops. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chiefs of Land Staff.
Yea, the Lord of All filled up the Order of Battle.
And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying,
"Lord, help us, for we are weary."
And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid.
And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth Quartermasters and Service Battalion and Siggies and Transport and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying,
"Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
