Boyfriend in basic training started pushing me away towards the end of training?

[stacey101]

hello!
I have no idea if this is the right thread to be posting this so please don't get angry
Im trying to support my boyfriend who is in training as much as possible, and everything was perfectly fine between us until early last week
where he basically did a 180 in the blink of an eye suddenly trying to get me to hate him with thoughts of leaving me. I can't even get him to answer me for a reason behind all of this, which is breaking my heart even more. I've toned down the drama after the initial shock of this conversation because I don't want to stress him out and screw up the end of his training and make sure he passes  But how do I support him in the best possible way when he doesn't even want to listen to me at this point when I went from being his 'rock' to basically nothing. ?

Ill be at the graduation, and I am scared as to how he will react to me being there considering he hasnt spoken to me in days let alone the next few weeks.

Please help, i just need to know how to do the best in supporting him

 

[GAP]

You very well may be dramatizing it by thinking of the worst that can happen.....sometimes during training, that's all you focus on.

Give it time, and stop anticipating the worst while insisting he sooth your worries....

:2c:

 

[stacey101]

You very well may be dramatizing it by thinking of the worst that can happen.....sometimes during training, that's all you focus on.

Give it time, and stop anticipating the worst while insisting he sooth your worries....

:2c:

I wouldnt say 'sooth' my worries as he is the one who said he was thinking about leaving me, i just was looking for answers from him as to why .

"Sometimes during training, that's all you focus on", what do you exactly mean by that  ?

and thank you for the reply!

 

[daftandbarmy]

I wouldnt say 'sooth' my worries as he is the one who said he was thinking about leaving me, i just was looking for answers from him as to why .

"Sometimes during training, that's all you focus on", what do you exactly mean by that  ?

and thank you for the reply!

I call it 'soldier focus'.

During training, most recruits are going through a kind of hell that no one else really understands, apart from their colleagues. It tends to get worse the nearer they get to the end of that training, of course.

By now you've probably guessed that this isn't exactly an interview for a job at MacDonald's, after all.

Some people are changed forever by the experience.

I have no idea if this is the case in your situation, of course, but it might be one of the dynamics in play.

 

[stacey101]

I call it 'soldier focus'.

During training, most recruits are going through a kind of hell that no one else really understands, apart from their colleagues. It tends to get worse the nearer they get to the end of that training, of course.

By now you've probably guessed that this isn't exactly an interview for a job at MacDonald's, after all.

Some people are changed forever by the experience.

I have no idea if this is the case in your situation, of course, but it might be one of the dynamics in play.

Ahh, thank you for the clarification! . Lucky for me I come from a military family ( i'm actually the one who ended the family 'tradition' ) so I was already prepared to an extent of what he would be experiencing, I guess I wasn't aware that he would push me away in the process. I just hope by the time graduation rolls around it wont start/end with a awkward hand shake.

I guess the best thing for me to do at this point is just give him his space until graduation?

Thank you both for the advice

 

[BeyondTheNow]

I'm not trying to be cruel, but I'm going to give it to you very straight-forwardly here.

I was injured during training and have been (mostly) at CFLRS for 14+ mths now. I'm older and have seen/heard a lot during my time here. I've been on multiple platoons and have built a rapport with staff, civvies and many, many recruits at the base alike, as well as probably having made a few enemies. ('Comes with the territory, especially when one tends to be overly opinionated and open at times.) Most of my friends are strictly military now.

So here it is. Basic is a really trying time for young couples (whether in a long-term relationship or still in their 'honeymoon' stage), and I'm sorry to say, there are many who don't make it. Some do, of course, but some don't.

As has been mentioned, this experience changes many people. Not necessarily for the worst OR the best, it just changes them. They are thrust into a world, which quite literally, takes over every single facet of their life as they once knew it. As was also mentioned, it's very common for those who are here to find it easier to relate to those who are going through the same sorts of things. The outside world seems very distant and even surreal at times. This becomes their new life. Unfortunately, civilian friendships and romantic relationships often become the casualties, especially at the beginning when there really isn't a lot of time to try and balance the two.

Platoon mates become very close in a very short period of time. They get each other's jokes, they understand the stresses, they eat, sleep, sweat and sometimes cry together. They hurt together, even hate each other at times together. It's a world that unless one has personal knowledge of, it can't be fully understood.

I understand the need you must have to share in this experience with your loved one and to want to be a part of it. But the fact is, you really can't be. Even if your significant other is an excellent communicator and is the empathetic type, there simply isn't even the time to try and get you to understand all the ways in which he's being affected right now.

The distance your boyfriend is feeling from you (physically and emotionally) right now is all too common. His questioning of the relationship and whether or not it still has a future given the lifestyle he's decided to pursue is all too common. Sometimes the couple thinks they know how their lives will be impacted, but then when it really happens, they realize they had no clue.

So my advice? 'Not much you can do. If it's meant to be, everything will work out. If not? You'll find someone else who you'll care very deeply for. As hard as it is, don't pressure him, don't ask him why he's not treating you the same way, don't ask him about the future of the relationship. Those questions (if still needing answers) can better be dealt with after graduation.

It's hard to feel like you're losing someone, but unfortunately that's the way it goes sometimes. Be strong, be supportive, don't let your insecurities overwhelm you. Even though you guys are a couple, I'm assuming you're both young and the both of you still have your own journeys to navigate.

 

[Eye In The Sky]

I'll counter that long paragraph below with this:

- Many couples go thru challenging times at different periods in one or both members service careers.  Sometimes things become 'blurry' on the younger service member who is away for the first time.  This could be from stress, distance, whatever.  Sometimes recruits get the "you don't understand me, you are just a civie" complex that they come out of after they realize yes, they are just a recruit, in peacetime (as far as they are concerned) in Canada. 

- what to do?  Don't smother him, keep living your life (because you DO still have a life of your own to live...regardless of anything else).  see where the cards fall kind of thing.

Not to discount the above advice, BUT it is from 1 person's perspective of the military who hasn't made it out of the Mega yet.  Not that any of it is incorrect or false, but I think it was far too general and wide-sweeping.  I went thru Basic years ago, I've taught more BMQs than I can count on fingers and toes and worked at the Mega as an Instructor.  Not every young relationship is doomed once on of the people step thru the Green Doors.  Mine made it, many others did and some did not back in '89 when I did the course, which has likely been the case for almost every recruit course ever.

 

[stacey101]

I'll counter that long paragraph below with this:

- Many couples go thru challenging times at different periods in one or both members service careers.  Sometimes things become 'blurry' on the younger service member who is away for the first time.  This could be from stress, distance, whatever.  Sometimes recruits get the "you don't understand me, you are just a civie" complex that they come out of after they realize yes, they are just a recruit, in peacetime (as far as they are concerned) in Canada. 

- what to do?  Don't smother him, keep living your life (because you DO still have a life of your own to live...regardless of anything else).  see where the cards fall kind of thing.

Not to discount the above advice, BUT it is from 1 person's perspective of the military who hasn't made it out of the Mega yet.  Not that any of it is incorrect or false, but I think it was far too general and wide-sweeping.  I went thru Basic years ago, I've taught more BMQs than I can count on fingers and toes and worked at the Mega as an Instructor.  Not every young relationship is doomed once on of the people step thru the Green Doors.  Mine made it, many others did and some did not back in '89 when I did the course, which has likely been the case for almost every recruit course ever.

I really hope you are right, i'm really hoping when we are finally able to see each other on his graduation he will remember what we are together and regain belief that we will make it work with his career as he seems to have the line of thought right now that it wont work because of that.  Im not sure what this forum is like in regards to liking updates, but I will give the update of what actually happens the day of his grad. Unfortunately, he is being bused out at 5am the following morning to his new posting ( which he wont tell me where it is, this is not normal behavior from him once again ) so i'll have to make the best of what I can in the hours I can talk to him.

 

[rmc_wannabe]

I will offer the same advice my RSM gave me when I told him I was getting married:

"The Army will not make a weak relationship strong; but it won't make a strong one weak, either. Figuring out which one you're in is the real hell of it "

Stay strong, carry on with your life, and keep supporting him as much as you can (or as much as he's willing to accept).

Just my 2 cents.

 

[BeyondTheNow]

...

Not to discount the above advice, BUT it is from 1 person's perspective of the military who hasn't made it out of the Mega yet.  Not that any of it is incorrect or false, but I think it was far too general and wide-sweeping...

For clarification to other readers; in no way was I inferring that my observations during my period of time at CFLRS is reflective of the military as a whole. The OP is concerned about what might be happening with her bf in this environment. I definitely feel I'm qualified to speak on the happenings here, and I do agree with EITS that some relationships continue just fine, as I mentioned in my post.

While it's important to remain positive, I feel the OP also would benefit having insight into the negative aspect of things as well.

 

[dimsum]

Unfortunately, he is being bused out at 5am the following morning to his new posting ( which he wont tell me where it is, this is not normal behavior from him once again ) so i'll have to make the best of what I can in the hours I can talk to him.

It's possible that at this point, weeks away from grad, he doesn't know yet where he's posted to, or that posting rumours are all over the place and he doesn't want to give incorrect information. 

 

[stacey101]

It's possible that at this point, weeks away from grad, he doesn't know yet where he's posted to, or that posting rumours are all over the place and he doesn't want to give incorrect information.

Really?? That gives me so much relief if that is the case. At this point, i'm overthinking everything.... graduation cannot come soon enough.

 

[stacey101]

I will offer the same advice my RSM gave me when I told him I was getting married:

"The Army will not make a weak relationship strong; but it won't make a strong one weak, either. Figuring out which one you're in is the real hell of it "

Stay strong, carry on with your life, and keep supporting him as much as you can (or as much as he's willing to accept).

Just my 2 cents.

Thank you! I know going into this and until the past week it was rock solid, and once again that is which has help lead to so much confusion and questioning this new line of thoughts in his head.

 

[Loachman]

Im not sure what this forum is like in regards to liking updates

Unless you are a complete thud - and you're not - we tend to care, so feel free to post updates.

 

[stacey101]

Unless you are a complete thud - and you're not - we tend to care, so feel free to post updates.

Haha excellent!
I've got to thank you all, this is the first forum in my tries of 3 for help on the topic and you've been so supportive to a total stranger . Each other forum became negative and hostile, I just had to leave them.  Thank you all again!

 

[daftandbarmy]

Haha excellent!
I've got to thank you all, this is the first forum in my tries of 3 for help on the topic and you've been so supportive to a total stranger . Each other forum became negative and hostile, I just had to leave them.  Thank you all again!

Give us some time. We'll screw it up somehow. It's the CAF way  ;D

 

[stacey101]

Give us some time. We'll screw it up somehow. It's the CAF way  ;D

haha!

 

[stacey101]

As most of you have more then likely seen my first post on the current issue between myself and my boyfriend who is in basic right now -  I am going to his graduation. Because of the thoughts he is having right now in regards to leaving me and such ( which i strongly believe its the separation and new life style that has done this ) he wont spill a single detail on his graduation as he is trying to what seems push me away.
That being said, I know the day I am to be there, and the time and roughly what im suppose to wear (semi casual).
Outside of that, how long is the ceremony, can I take him off base after for a few hours? Is there anything in general should I know about it?

 

[mariomike]

how long is the ceremony, 

can I take him off base after for a few hours? Is there anything in general should I know about it?

This may help,

"Family members and friends of the graduates are invited to the Graduation Ceremonies. The ceremonies take place on Thursdays at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Doors open at 12:30 pm, and guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis. Parking spots are also available for the guests.

The ceremony is approximately an hour long and is followed by a reception for the graduates, their families and their instructors. After the reception, with their instructors' approval, graduates can go out for the evening with their families, but will have to return to the School no later than 9:30 pm.

The evening prior to the Graduation Ceremony, from 6:00 pm to 9:30 pm, with their instructors’ approval, graduates can welcome guests at the main building entrance and shall proceed to the O'Mega Mess or the cafeteria. Graduates may be granted permission to have supper in town.

A few weeks before the Graduation Ceremony, candidates will be informed of the procedure to gain permission to meet their respective families and friends for the evenings before and after the Graduation Ceremony.

What happens after the course?

A few weeks prior to the Graduation Ceremony, candidates will find out when and where they will have to report to their next training establishment. In most cases, graduates leave the day following the ceremony. In some exceptional cases and if the conditions allow it, graduates may leave with their families after the ceremony if they have received permission from their instructors.

The ceremonies take place at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Dress
For civilians: business attire"

More info for family members and friends of the graduates:
http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/training-establishments/recruit-school.page

 

[Gunner98]

stacey,

Something you have not shared (or maybe I missed it) is whether you have seen him in person since his Basic Training began.  Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. He has been under the influence of a peer group that you do not share, it has norms and ideas that you cannot know or understand regardless of your previous affiliation with the military.  At graduation, he will see you and you will have a chance to see how he really feels.  If he does not collapse into your arms then perhaps he is a little stronger from the basic training experience and you should just fall into his and take it from there.

Best wishes!